For the past few months, I've been trying so hard to write something I like. Around this time last year, I was writing every day, words seemed to flow from my fingers and I generally liked the product. Sometimes it was sappy, sometimes it went over peoples' heads, sometimes it was a bit nonsensical... but it was something, and it made sense to me. Now, I feel as though I have nothing to share but shit. Complete and total shit. I know it bothers people; especially my closest friends (population of which is decreasing every minute). Here goes another vain attempt though: a shot at making things the way they used to be.

It seems that I'm constantly worrying about something these days. Wake up, take a shower... middle of shower: remember Melanie. Worry about some assignment for class that I half-did at the last minute... wait until the very last second to totally finish it. Notice the most aggravating traits in my professors (and my friends, and everyone I meet). Hate self for noticing these things. Continue stressing out about grades. Remember Melanie. Watch some silly Youtube video and wonder if Melanie ever saw it. We used to like the silliest things... Think about new friends, smile about the good ones (...is there more than one? I know they are few) and then realize that I'll probably fuck it up anytime now, anyway. Always the same: sense some glimmer of hope, find it just in time to lose it. I want to be different; I hate the person I'm becoming, but I keep ending up back in the same slump.

More than anything, I'm worried that I'm pushing everyone away... by either shutting them out, or simply annoying the shit out of them. No matter what anyone says to make themselves feel better, life isn't worth living unless it is shared in one way or another. And I am alone.

Went to McDonald's with Megan (yes, yes I am ashamed). Saw this beautiful family; found myself staring. They were speaking Portuguese, I believe. The mother was holding her daughter of about 18 months, and both were so gorgeous. I wonder, what brings people together so seamlessly? More importantly, what brings them here?

I feel completely broken. I hate that everything I've written lately is so full of despair, but it's not often that I feel anything else. It's as though I've been ripped to pieces; I hastily attempted to get my shit back together, but I'm still missing a few parts. Everything reminds me of her, the shock of it all. I get a leap in my stomach every time I remember--obviously not that leap of excitement... it's a leap of complete hopelessness. I feel guilty for mourning this much, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm mourning enough. I want to scream out the agony I can't seem to shake. I want to forget, but even more than that, I want to remember. I wish it had been me, instead. That would be easier.

It seems that I always have epiphanies while driving. A thought strikes me, a perspective I've never looked at life from, and in that moment, I'm ecstatic. Then, I remember her; I remember how lonely I am. And then, I know that these things will never change... at least not any time soon... and then, the epiphany slips through my fingers again.

Every now and then, I hear a song on the radio and truly hear the beauty in it. Most of the time, it's a song that I've heard a million times before. Today it was "Free Falling." Not necessarily the best lyrics, but it's truly a beautiful song. I guess it has a lot to do with the frame of mind I was in... I can't really explain it. I do know, however, that there are so many little things that I take for granted.