I really am glimpsing hope for the first time in a while and I don't want to scare it off, but I have to admit... I still feel as though I'm being avoided. I understand that things change, that people change.. Why did it have to happen so quickly?

My newest endeavor is to read everything by Richard Matheson that I can get my hands on. I have no idea why I haven't done this sooner.

I'm feeling pretty incompetent today... and one of my friends, albeit not a close one, has stopped speaking to me because I'm insecure. Lolthanks.
In other news, some guys are so adorable it should be illegal. Want.

A new friend of mine made me a mix cd, and... as sad as it may seem, it made me so happy. I've been feeling out-of-this-world needy, and to know that someone thought of me long enough to wonder what music I would like to listen to... I don't know, it's extremely simple, but so, so refreshing. Yay for new friends. :)

I need to stop spending so much time alone. When I'm surrounded by people, I feel I should act like I'm alright, which can be exhausting... but, faking it is so much easier than facing myself.

I am always hoping to hear from you...

I feel miserable. Finally, physical and emotional pain match up. I want to whine and have someone to pet my hair and rub my back until I fall asleep forever.
To be irrelevant, I think Anakin Skywalker is probably the most tragic modern character I can think of. For some reason, I really identify with him. That can't be good, haha.

God damn you, blood pressure machines at Kroger. I'm obsessively checking my blood pressure now. It was better tonight, but still 140/97. I don't know much about blood pressure, but the machine tells me this is bad.

On another note, I saw "The Lovely Bones." It's a pretty film, but I cried through the majority of it, because the situation reminded me of her. I wonder what death is like.

A traumatizing doctor appointment, that was. I've felt nauseous for a few months now. I'm full after three bites of something, and I love food. I've lost 20 pounds in less than 6 months. I don't even want to lose weight. Apparently, I also now have high blood pressure. My doctor did some blood work, questioned me to India and back, and then pointed out that I was shaking. She asked if something else was bothering me--if I wanted to be prescribed some kind of anxiety medication. I started to bawl. I couldn't control myself. She suffered for the last few minutes (hours?) of her life, and I can be put on medication, I can so easily get rid of the pain? I'm not sure I understand why, or if this is even the right word, but I feel guilty.

I guess we're just strangers now...? What the fuck. I feel lower than shit.

I miss you. I hate that. I don't know what to think anymore.

I have so much to do... and such a small amount of motivation. Sleep sounds nice. Always alone, though. I'm no longer happy, just being by myself...

This has been such a shitty day. I wish I had someone to cry on.

I can't think of one reason to get up in the morning anymore. Absolutely nothing comes to mind. And that, sadly enough, is all I have to say.

I feel empty. When I laugh, I'm not laughing... not really. When I cry, I'm not crying. Even as I'm typing this, I know it means nothing. I used to hate seeing a blog consisting only of confessions of depression. I'm now the one posting that shit that everyone hates. I hope no one reads it.

I don't know how much longer I can stand these mood swings of mine. I don't suppose they're really mood swings, it's just that... nothing is consistent in my life. My relationships are inconsistent (and for the most part, sustained only by myself)--family, especially. Schedule is inconsistent. Nothing (and no one) in my life seems as though it's here to stay, and I feel completely alone. Even thinking something like that, I feel selfish; a few of my closest friends, it seems, have been depressed lately. I wish I could help them, but it would appear that I can't even help myself.
It's snowing today, first real snow of the season; I played in it, and felt younger. I hate this. I'm only eighteen... I'm too young to feel so old. I feel almost completely worn down. There are a few feeble threads holding me together, and they're bound to give in any day now.

It's good to be back in classes again. I need the distraction in my life... something productive to worry about. I guess I like maths and sciences so much because I can hide myself in them. They're so literal, they're not quite real. Makes no sense, I suppose. I need a hobby. I realized I have none, and that's pathetic.
 I feel like I'm drifting away from the people I love most. I always manage to do that in the end, guess that's no surprise. I was actually stupid enough to think things were getting better. Time to bury myself in physics. Emotions don't exist in physics.

I feel so rejected... and unprepared. The two feelings are entirely unrelated, but nonetheless troubling.