I just read another poem by e. e. cummings, and I really connected with it... "You Are Tired (I Think)." I'm not even sure if I think it was particularly remarkable. But, near the end of it, I had to brace myself for the chills I knew were coming. I had to actually close my eyes and recover from it. Sometimes, things seem so fucking beautiful and I wonder why I'm ever sad; too bad that's the most fleeting feeling I'm capable of.

These realizations always hit me at the oddest times. I'll be sitting at my desk, doing calculus homework as I am now, and I'll write her name. I write it over and over again, almost automatically. And I'll think idly about the future. She once told me that, if she were to have children, she would name one after me... at this point in my thoughts, it occurs to me that it will never happen. It's so far beyond saddening; it's inexplicably surreal. I mean, life in general seems quite surreal... but... I can't believe that I'm still naive enough to sometimes forget... forget what? Forget that it isn't a joke? Maybe. Forget that she really is permanently missing from my life. Forget that we won't grow old together, nor were we given the chance to choose otherwise.

I guess I'm just writing this to remind myself to be thankful. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts, I can easily forget how many people have been here beside me.

I am so lucky to have some of the friends I have; I fear that I can never express that enough, and I'll never be able to return the amount of love that I am given. I love Trina. She tries harder than anyone I know to make my hard times easier; she has always asked if I need anything, ranging from Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs to a hug. We can always siphon each other's thoughts; she's sometimes exasperated by it but I secretly love it. She's such an amazing friend and I don't deserve her, but I'm so glad she's here.

There's also Seth and Erica, who I spent yesterday with. There was this moment, and I knew that I loved them... a toaster strudel commercial came on, and I was about to passionately rant about how disgusting toaster strudels are, how much better poptarts are... and they both agreed. I didn't have to defend my argument. It was really a defining moment for me, as silly as that may seem. In case that didn't sum up how much I love them, I'll address each individually. Seth has become one of my closest friends, and he always has something inspiring and/or enlightening to say. I think he's making me a better person, and I love when I see things and immediately think of him and have to tell him about it (that thought actually goes with Trina, as well). Erica has really brightened my life, too. Although I'm not necessarily a very happy person, she's helped make these past few months bearable, with her PedoBear mask and her squid hat and an ability to almost always make me laugh, or join me in my complaints.

Another friend that can usually make me laugh is Yuko, and she does much, much more than that. She inspires me to keep going. She's such a strong, beautiful person, and I can't help but to admire her more every single day. With her  now comes Jason; I can't even put into words how happy I am that Yuko has found someone that doesn't suck. I can't even be disgusted! I am so glad I know these two, and I am genuinely happy for them. They give me hope, and that's more than I can say about any couple.

Whitney is such an A friend, as well. She is one of few that I could watch movies with for hours and feel like my day was full. I love her so much, and can't wait to spend more time with her in the summer.

 Rachel has also been in my life a lot, too, and I'm glad for that fact. I love killing time with her, eating junk food, just forgetting the world. Sometimes, it's almost easy, and I have her to thank for that, among many others.

Another, more recent, friend that I'm feeling thankful to know would be Alex. She's so adorable, and sweet, and I can't wait to know her more. She made me another mix cd because I was sick, and I've listened to it three or four times. She made a song list and a card to go along with it, and it made me so happy. I'm not sure I've ever known anyone so purposeful and thoughtful, and I need to think of an awesome way to return the happiness she's already given me.

Once I've started this, I feel like I could go on for hours, adding more people and little details to each paragraph but I'll save it for another, less busy, day.

It hurts me so much to see you hurting. Sometimes I wish I could take all the pain and experience it myself. Sometimes, that seems so much easier than watching you, and so many of my friends, endure it...

I just realized how very lonely I am. Makes me feel so old.

I've lost all forms of motivation in the past few days-- or what little amount I had left. I had a fever of 103 yesterday; highest I've had since I was really, really young. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel so vulnerable. At a few points that night, I woke up and did a few things, but I can't remember what was real and what was a dream. My perceptions have become so delicate... or maybe malleable.

Last semester, I think I slid by on autopilot and that's the secret behind my acceptable grades. Now, oddly enough, I feel as though I'm even more in autopilot mode (I'm certainly more depersonalized), yet I'm doing much worse. I'm finding it more and more difficult to focus in lectures, during tests, even conversations with friends. It's not a 'lack of motivation, can't focus' kind of deal... it's a physical problem. My eyes, quite literally, unfocus... and everything becomes background noise. Despite my usual spaciness, I've never had this problem, to this extent. It's becoming unmanageable, and I fear that it will destroy my grades and each of my friendships, one by one.

An old friend called me around 2AM this morning, crying about Melanie. It's not that she's just found out; she went to the funeral with me... she needed someone to talk to, I guess. It was nice, hearing her voice, and talking to her about Melanie. She was crying so much, and... I feel completely numb. I don't think I can cry about it anymore; the fact that I still can't grasp it is somewhat to blame, I'm sure. What concerned me much more, though, is that I could find nothing comforting to say. It seems that so many people look to me for advice and ease... neither of which I have even for myself. I feel useless.

I want so badly to like him. Body says yes, of course, but brain is confused. :c