I woke up at 4:09 this morning. I was dreaming about her; I wish I could have stayed in that dream. To an extent, I think that everyone enjoys their dreams more than reality, but... everything was okay in this dream. More so than any dream I've ever had, probably. I wish I could remember it.
"Champagne Supernova" came on the radio a few hours later, while I was driving to school. She introduced me to that song, as she did with many of my now-favorites, so long ago. The other night, I heard some song by Metallica for the first time in a while; not particularly my favorite... but I can still see her air drumming to it, singing more enthusiastically than anyone I've ever known or ever will know, I'm quite sure. I miss her voice so much. Her infectious laugh... the way her nose crinkled when she did so.
Sometimes, I feel like I've made it all up-- that Melanie and each of her wonderful quirks are but figments of my imagination. I miss her so much, I wish I knew a word stronger than "miss." I wish I had more people to talk to that knew her. I wish I didn't have to wish things like this.
I'm sorry. I feel like... A part of me feels like I should have been there for you more, but then the other half feels as if its exhausted every word available and you've shot it down. As of now, there has been nothing I can say to help, or at least ease, the pain. Parallels probably shouldn't have been drawn but in the end, a loss is finite.
ReplyDeleteI've had dreams about my loved ones too and each time I wonder if its a farewell. Turns out I dream about them when I need them most and I get that extra boost; I know they're visiting my subconscious. The in-dream hugs and words and conversations have all helped in a way, and though it WOULD be wonderful to stay in that dream, where would we be in our reality? The same person, changed, happier, or worse off because we never knew what to not take for granted?
And the little tidbits will come up every now and then, but don't make it sad... Those memories are there to cheer us up and give us something to hold on to. I'd rather memories than never have the people at all. Sort of a... pseudo-cynical way of looking at it, I know.
That's pretty much how I look at it, too. Or how I try to... I'm sorry that I've 'shot' you down. It was never my intention to become this kind of person. I think that it's a human tendency to always think we're misunderstood and no one can truly get around that. I don't want to be like that, though...
ReplyDeleteI've been told that whenever we go through that no one ever understands, or at least we think so. I don't know if I had that complex but I'm going to feel like a hypocrite if I did.
ReplyDeleteI think by having the mindset that no one understands us, we're setting ourselves up for isolation. I don't think you're trying to be like that but there are times I wish you'd let me in a little bit more.
Lately, I have found myself drifting from you and everyone else around me, or maybe it's that I never really landed on that island with the rest of your friends.
(Once again, this is a different anonymous person.) I agree with what the first anonymous said in their second comment (whoa that's a bit of a mouthful), about "whenever we go through that no one ever understands." I wish I could say, "I understand exactly how you feel," but I don't, because I've never experienced it myself. I have, however, seen people lose loved ones before, and every time it just feels so painful. I want to be there for them as much as possible, but I don't want to say, "Well of course I know how you feel!" because... I don't. Grief is a personal thing, and no matter how much you try to understand it, it doesn't work. It's difficult enough to come to terms with one's own grief, let alone to try to understand how other people do it.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I am always here for you. I love seeing you smile, I really do. I admire you more than words can accurately express. Ineffable, I think it's called. When words cannot capture what you want to say.
I feel like she is watching over you. She always will be. Maybe this is her way of telling you it's going to be okay. As long as you are here, she will never be "made up" -- I so wish you didn't have to wish that she was here instead of being gone (again, a bit of a mouthful of a sentence, but I hope the sentiment got through) -- you will keep her alive with your memory of her.
Your strength keeps me going. (Also, sorry if this got a bit garbled. I tend to wax poetic at times.)
Yeah, I'm with Anonymous above. Like... I honestly can't recall how many times you told me, "Oh, you have to meet Melanie!" or "She's got this [quirk/band/item]..." And, someone as smart as you? I never doubted you over her awesomeness and as long as you're still here, affected by her, she's never really gone... Er, bad analogy, but she's like a carbon footprint, she's always gonna be here. <3
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up, babe. You'll make it through and even on those days when you feel like you've got no one beside you, don't worry; it's because we're right behind you, having your back, and ready to catch you should you fall.