It's been almost 18 weeks since I found out. I still can't believe it. I will never believe that I'll never hear her laugh again.

I'm becoming entirely too clingy. Constantly hoping to hear from you. I'll scare you off any day now...

A thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

I have this... uneasy feeling. I'm not sure how to interpret it; there's no obvious reason for it, that I can think of. Just feels as though I've missed something, or wronged someone, pushed them away... made someone feel differently about me. Only a feeling... I hope.

With every happy thought comes a sad one. I now realize that, at every milestone in my life, I'm going to remember her. I'm trying to enjoy these things and be proud, as I know she would want me to, but I wish she could enjoy them with me. I miss her laugh so much, and how tone-deaf she sounded when she sang. I wish I could dream about her. I've been trying to lucid dream, and I'm positive that's the first thing I would want to do. Even if all I can do is see her face. One blue eye. A small nose. A strand of dark brown hair... Something from her. I've been lucky enough to have a new friend come into my life around the same time she was taken, which makes me both infinitely happy and sad. I wish I could introduce them. I wish a lot of things, don't I?

I wish I knew how to make both of us happy; this is nearly impossible, though, as I don't even know how to make myself happy. I wish I knew what I wanted from you. You're probably very confused at this point, and I'm sorry. You might even think I'm being manipulative, or trying to lead you on; this is not the case. I'm just being that same indecisive girl you met a few months ago.
You are the best thing that's happened to me in these past few months...perhaps for much longer. You gave me purpose when I had none, and you made me feel good about myself again. I kissed you, not just because you wanted me to, but because I wanted to. I wanted to see if maybe there was... something more. For some silly reason, I thought a light would switch on and something in my head would exclaim, "Yep! That's it!" or otherwise. Of course that didn't happen, and I'm only left more confused. I don't regret it; in fact, I think it's the only way we can progress in either direction, by knowing whether or not I can do this. Or feel this.
I have no idea how to make this better. I don't know how to get around this bump. I know only one thing for certain: I want you in my life. It's a selfish thing to want, but... I need you. I guess that's what I've been trying to say all along. I need you.

A thousand emotions, always pulling me in different directions. At any given moment, I'm focusing on one of these emotions, tending to it, while fighting off the others. They're still there, and they tear at me no less. It's exhausting. I can't do that today; I give up today. I'll let 'em tear me apart. I want to feel the embrace of  headphones playing unfamiliar music, and just let 'em at it. Here, hopelessness, you can have my left arm; alienation, have my right. Grief, you can have anything you want--you probably already do.

There are so many people around me that need my help, but I have no idea how to give it. She's really put out about life in general, and things keep building up. He has no faith in himself. She needs to fucking grow up. She needs to make up her mind and just go for it. How well I know each of these feelings, and yet... I have no words of comfort. I feel completely hopeless, so I can't say anything that will ease the pain. I'm totally useless.

I hate to make such a huge deal about loss, something that everyone feels at some point in their lives. But, I can't help but feel that I would be much happier and therein, much more helpful, if she were still here... if I could still talk to her. She always had the attitude that made even the shittiest day better. I wish I could be more like her. People need someone like her. I need someone like her...

For the past few months, I've been trying so hard to write something I like. Around this time last year, I was writing every day, words seemed to flow from my fingers and I generally liked the product. Sometimes it was sappy, sometimes it went over peoples' heads, sometimes it was a bit nonsensical... but it was something, and it made sense to me. Now, I feel as though I have nothing to share but shit. Complete and total shit. I know it bothers people; especially my closest friends (population of which is decreasing every minute). Here goes another vain attempt though: a shot at making things the way they used to be.

It seems that I'm constantly worrying about something these days. Wake up, take a shower... middle of shower: remember Melanie. Worry about some assignment for class that I half-did at the last minute... wait until the very last second to totally finish it. Notice the most aggravating traits in my professors (and my friends, and everyone I meet). Hate self for noticing these things. Continue stressing out about grades. Remember Melanie. Watch some silly Youtube video and wonder if Melanie ever saw it. We used to like the silliest things... Think about new friends, smile about the good ones (...is there more than one? I know they are few) and then realize that I'll probably fuck it up anytime now, anyway. Always the same: sense some glimmer of hope, find it just in time to lose it. I want to be different; I hate the person I'm becoming, but I keep ending up back in the same slump.

More than anything, I'm worried that I'm pushing everyone away... by either shutting them out, or simply annoying the shit out of them. No matter what anyone says to make themselves feel better, life isn't worth living unless it is shared in one way or another. And I am alone.

Went to McDonald's with Megan (yes, yes I am ashamed). Saw this beautiful family; found myself staring. They were speaking Portuguese, I believe. The mother was holding her daughter of about 18 months, and both were so gorgeous. I wonder, what brings people together so seamlessly? More importantly, what brings them here?

I feel completely broken. I hate that everything I've written lately is so full of despair, but it's not often that I feel anything else. It's as though I've been ripped to pieces; I hastily attempted to get my shit back together, but I'm still missing a few parts. Everything reminds me of her, the shock of it all. I get a leap in my stomach every time I remember--obviously not that leap of excitement... it's a leap of complete hopelessness. I feel guilty for mourning this much, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm mourning enough. I want to scream out the agony I can't seem to shake. I want to forget, but even more than that, I want to remember. I wish it had been me, instead. That would be easier.

It seems that I always have epiphanies while driving. A thought strikes me, a perspective I've never looked at life from, and in that moment, I'm ecstatic. Then, I remember her; I remember how lonely I am. And then, I know that these things will never change... at least not any time soon... and then, the epiphany slips through my fingers again.

Every now and then, I hear a song on the radio and truly hear the beauty in it. Most of the time, it's a song that I've heard a million times before. Today it was "Free Falling." Not necessarily the best lyrics, but it's truly a beautiful song. I guess it has a lot to do with the frame of mind I was in... I can't really explain it. I do know, however, that there are so many little things that I take for granted.

I'm not sure where to begin. I used to write a lot; I have a LiveJournal that I used to post on nearly every day... but life happened. I think I've always been significantly more collected, though, when I'm writing. So, here goes. The plunge.


I recently began my first semester of college. It's not nearly as bad as I had expected it to be. And yet, I'm not doing nearly as well as I should be. I've always heard about dramatic things happening to people while they're in college, getting between them and the work. I've managed to avoid dramatic happenstances for the majority of my life, but drama finally hit me. My best friend, Melanie Grace Wells, was murdered. She, her friend, and that girl's parents. "Virginia Quadruple Massacre," they're calling it. 


No person has ever been as important to me as Melanie. Naturally, the media is ruining her name, trying to place the blame on anyone but the murderer, it seems. I don't blame them. It's just another story to them; they weren't lucky enough to know her. She's always brought so much happiness into my life, even after she moved a few states away from home. I still can't believe that happiness has been taken, and that there's no replacing it. I could tell you all about her... but, there's so much to tell. Maybe I'll save it for another day.


The last thing I want is for this to become my pity party. I've never been so lonely and I'm trying to change that, but I feel completely estranged. Everyone seems either too happy, or too put down about silly shit. I want to throw my loss at some people. Shove it under their nose like a scandalous picture and yell, "See?!  Imagine my pain. Imagine what her parents are going through. You've gone through nothing. You're boyfriend troubles are minuscule in comparison; quit thinking otherwise." I suppose that wouldn't be very ladylike, though, would it?


And so I've gone through my days quietly. It's not like I have anything left to do. I've unattached myself from a large percentage of relationships, and why not? I can't really stand most people anymore. I've lost all motivation for my schoolwork (and everything, really), although I have no desire to drop out or even take a break, because I would lose the only thing I have going for me.


It's a cliché female thing to say, but I'll admit, more than anything... I wish I had someone to hold me.