It's been almost 18 weeks since I found out. I still can't believe it. I will never believe that I'll never hear her laugh again.

I'm becoming entirely too clingy. Constantly hoping to hear from you. I'll scare you off any day now...

A thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

I have this... uneasy feeling. I'm not sure how to interpret it; there's no obvious reason for it, that I can think of. Just feels as though I've missed something, or wronged someone, pushed them away... made someone feel differently about me. Only a feeling... I hope.

With every happy thought comes a sad one. I now realize that, at every milestone in my life, I'm going to remember her. I'm trying to enjoy these things and be proud, as I know she would want me to, but I wish she could enjoy them with me. I miss her laugh so much, and how tone-deaf she sounded when she sang. I wish I could dream about her. I've been trying to lucid dream, and I'm positive that's the first thing I would want to do. Even if all I can do is see her face. One blue eye. A small nose. A strand of dark brown hair... Something from her. I've been lucky enough to have a new friend come into my life around the same time she was taken, which makes me both infinitely happy and sad. I wish I could introduce them. I wish a lot of things, don't I?

I wish I knew how to make both of us happy; this is nearly impossible, though, as I don't even know how to make myself happy. I wish I knew what I wanted from you. You're probably very confused at this point, and I'm sorry. You might even think I'm being manipulative, or trying to lead you on; this is not the case. I'm just being that same indecisive girl you met a few months ago.
You are the best thing that's happened to me in these past few months...perhaps for much longer. You gave me purpose when I had none, and you made me feel good about myself again. I kissed you, not just because you wanted me to, but because I wanted to. I wanted to see if maybe there was... something more. For some silly reason, I thought a light would switch on and something in my head would exclaim, "Yep! That's it!" or otherwise. Of course that didn't happen, and I'm only left more confused. I don't regret it; in fact, I think it's the only way we can progress in either direction, by knowing whether or not I can do this. Or feel this.
I have no idea how to make this better. I don't know how to get around this bump. I know only one thing for certain: I want you in my life. It's a selfish thing to want, but... I need you. I guess that's what I've been trying to say all along. I need you.

A thousand emotions, always pulling me in different directions. At any given moment, I'm focusing on one of these emotions, tending to it, while fighting off the others. They're still there, and they tear at me no less. It's exhausting. I can't do that today; I give up today. I'll let 'em tear me apart. I want to feel the embrace of  headphones playing unfamiliar music, and just let 'em at it. Here, hopelessness, you can have my left arm; alienation, have my right. Grief, you can have anything you want--you probably already do.

There are so many people around me that need my help, but I have no idea how to give it. She's really put out about life in general, and things keep building up. He has no faith in himself. She needs to fucking grow up. She needs to make up her mind and just go for it. How well I know each of these feelings, and yet... I have no words of comfort. I feel completely hopeless, so I can't say anything that will ease the pain. I'm totally useless.

I hate to make such a huge deal about loss, something that everyone feels at some point in their lives. But, I can't help but feel that I would be much happier and therein, much more helpful, if she were still here... if I could still talk to her. She always had the attitude that made even the shittiest day better. I wish I could be more like her. People need someone like her. I need someone like her...