I had a dream last night in which someone shot my cat. It was so nice to wake up and
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' (haha, that was her) find that she was still alright. Biggest relief I've felt in a long time. I love my kitty.

I'm so stupid for bringing that subject up to you. You, of all people, have it worse off in that situation, and I'm an idiot. Now I just feel worse, and even less sensible than I did before.

I cannot believe I didn't realize this sooner... but we're never going to see each other. With alternating co-op schedules... I'm losing a best friend, all over again. I can't stop crying.

A good friend of mine has now lost both of her parents, within weeks of each other. I'm so worried about her. I'm shaking, and feeling her hurt through my old pain... it's an awful sensation. I just wish there were some way I could help her, and express to her that life indeed goes on... whether we want it to or not.

It's beautiful days like this that make me feel alive. A fairly long drive with the windows down, and the smell of autumn filling my car... there's nothing like it. I can still smell it in my hair. No matter how briefly I was able to enjoy today, I'm unbelievably grateful for it.

I saw a shooting star for the first time.

Please, let this week be better.

Normally, I feel some sense of release after posting something on here. I'm only beginning to feel worse. You seem to not be bothered in the slightest by how much you bothered me; I thought that you, of all people, would understand why that hurt me. Heh, guess I thought wrong.

I've found myself getting really sad or angry-- or both-- about everything for the past few days. I'm offended by the tiniest things and I feel like exploding with every remark or action made by most of those around me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stand this week, and I can hardly stand myself anymore. I don't know when I became this.

I find myself looking up engineering and architectural firms every time I have a free moment. As exciting and enthralling as this is, I really should stop and finish some homework first. >_< doajwiefjeiowa

Feeling really irritable and jittery today. The guy sitting behind me in my dynamics class this morning kept kicking the shelf under my seat (which is unsettling enough) and giving the teacher wrong answers, thereby confusing her and turning every problem in the wrong direction. And she was getting all flustered, wondering why she had made such small errors-- this ass sitting behind me can't keep his mouth shut and shit from billowing out of it, that's why.

Also, I hate laser pointers. Not a good life choice, professor.

Fffff.

Sometimes, you both make me want to cry. It seems to happen at the most random times, too... but I can't ignore it.

For once, I'm really wanting to put off homework and studying to spend some time with a friend, any friend, that I haven't spent much time with lately, and no one will have it. Sigh.

Initiating clusterfuck...

I've been having really bad dreams lately. I've noticed that my skin looks significantly better on the weekends; I'm terrible with handling stress. I saw a golden retriever today and was reminded of a dog my aunt once had. That was my favorite dog of all time and I wish she were still here; she's made me want a golden retriever since then, although I'm sure none of them are as amazing as her. My cat met that dog. She didn't hate her, so that's but another testament to this dog's awesomeness. I've been averaging about 4 hours of sleep each night, just like I did in the summer. Applying for co-op jobs nonstop. I thought this week would never end; suddenly it's Friday and I feel like it's a lie.

I need sleep. I vow to have at least 6 hours tonight. (Pleasepleaseplease give me 6 hours of sleep. Nightmare-less sleep.)

Something about today feels... different. Something is wrong. More wrong than the usual wrong.

It's been a year... One year without her. I want to cry, but I could never cry enough. I want to laugh, laugh like she used to laugh. How she used to make me laugh. I don't think I've laughed like that in a year. It's hard to imagine myself as that person. It's becoming harder and harder to remember her. Nothing scares me more than that.

It's becoming easier and easier to imagine you crashing and burning. I know that you can't see it; it's hard to, until it has already happened. I just wish I could help you see.

Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to meet your parents... how neat it would be to see where you came from. To find (or not find) your qualities in them-- their quirks in you.

I suppose that won't ever happen.

Tried on a butt-ton of pant suits (and skirt suits) yesterday... still tired from it, haha. It felt a lot like playing dress up... but I liked it sometimes. Might have made up my mind.

On a related note, I never knew I liked so many things at Macy's. I guess the one in the mall near me just sucks.

I've been trying so hard to erase you. Still can't shake the feeling that it's the opposite of what I should be doing.

Sometimes... I still go to text you, or post something on your facebook wall. It's been nearly a year and I still do it. So much more often than I'd like to admit.

I miss you so fucking much.

Some Evangelic asshole plans to burn a bunch of copies of the Qur'an on Saturday, the anniversary of 9-11. Counteracting hatred with hatred (AND intolerance... AND ignorance). And sheer douchebaggery. I'm sure Jesus is real proud of you, sir. You are the reason why the rest of the world (as well as I) is disgusted with America.

Dude... fuck these recommended photos on Facebook. It's just another way for you to haunt me.

I'm not sure that I'll be able to get a co-op out of town, but I'm already so eager at the mere thought of it. I suppose I really am excited to be on my own.

Get out of my dreams.

Thinking about trying to co-op somewhere in Chicago. It would be scary, moving away and being on my own, but it's such an amazing opportunity. I just hope not too many of the smarter students with better, relevant experience want those jobs, too... :c