What the fuck? Why do I pay for health insurance if I'm to be charged over $600 for a simple blood allergy test that the doctor insisted on me taking? I'm grateful for an easy access to healthcare, but I'm very much considering never visiting a doctor again, unless it's a life-or-death situation.

Haha, and I was doing so well, holding back my minor complaints. Now I feel super angst-y.

I've been feeling really down again lately. I don't know what reignited this feeling, but it's back. I try to ignore it by focusing on other things; often times, my mood is improved if I distract myself with plans.

So I've been planning which tattoo I'd like to get first, for Melanie. A few days ago I decided on Spike and Bunny, haha. I was looking through old letters from Melanie, for ideas or drawings to use, and I found one from August of 2006. It was written not long after she had first moved up to West Virginia. In this letter, she told me that I'm the best friend she ever had. She said that she'd move back down here to Louisville as soon as she could, that we'd get an apartment together and get matching tattoos and, eventually, she'd name her kid after me.

Ouch.

I'm being the exact person that I contradicted him for being. I need to suck it up and stop being a hypocrite.

I'm glad that you are happy; it makes me happy to see you happy. But it also reminds me of how unhappy I am, haha. The old paradox. Forever alone. ._. Whine.

Soooo difficult to look at just one post on tumblr.

Scott posted "I miss you" on my wall. I feel loved. :) But I miss him, too. His happiness and adventurousness are so contagious.

I talked about Melanie for the first time in... well, I don't remember the last time. I suppose I shouldn't say I talked about her, but what happened to her. I suppose I talk about her all the time. But it was so strange to describe the... event... to someone, all over again. By the end of it, I was shaking as if it'd happened just yesterday.

Some feelings simply don't fade. It's a shame that it's the bad ones that are easier to hold onto.

I'm feeling her slip further and further away, even still.

Melanie and I used to write comic books, following the adventures of an ill-proportioned tyrannosaurus rex and a rabbit (creatively titled "Spike and Bunny").

I'm going to get a tattoo of them. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

If you don't have any feelings for me at all... why do you make every effort to talk to me? Why did you make every effort to include me that week? Certainly that's what friends do, but you didn't do that for the others. You didn't do that for your own cousin. Why do you share your favorite things with me (music, books, articles, etc.)?

It could be wishful thinking, sure, but I just can't shake the feeling that there's something more.

Even while you're holding her hand.

I'm so bored in every way imaginable right now: intellectually, socially, and otherwise. I need to meet new people, and do new things.

I wonder if I'm attracted to this guy just because I know what he's been through. Strange to think about it. Anyway, I've missed Deidre. I need to spend more time with her.

Wow. I cannot help but feel that you're just gloating about it. Thanks. Really. It's evident that you didn't listen to a word I said last time we spoke.

--

I feel like you're erasing me from your life. When was the last time we hung out? Just us? I feel so unwanted.

There are many words around the world that cannot be directly attributed to a simple English equivalent. Words like schadenfreude, etc. I just stumbled upon one I hadn't heard of before: saudade.

A translation provided by the ever wonderful Wikipedia: a somewhat melancholic feeling of incompleteness. It is related to think back situations of privation due to the absence of someone or something, to move away from a place or thing, or to the absence of a set of particular and desirable experiencies and pleasures once lived.

This is it. This is the feeling I can't shake.

I'm tempted to take the next plane to Lansing.

You tempt me. :3