It's the last day of 2010, and I can't help but feel that this was a year of constants. First year without her. A year full of school, and school, and school. Loss of organization and focus. Circling in this ring of indecision I've managed to trap myself in. I had typed up a lot more, but decided that it was all a bit unnecessary and pessimistic, so I'll leave 2010 at that.

I'm really hoping that 2011 will be a year of much more substance. For just one second, I'm going to pretend that the changing of the year really does change me and my life... that it isn't just some meaningless number. When the clock strikes midnight this evening, a switch will flip in my brain and everything will be better. ...right?

Two separate and entirely unrelated thoughts:
Well, that was interesting.
The rain always makes me think of you.

I had a dream about him last night. My subconscious has filled out his entire personality, though I hardly know him. This dream was like a second chance to know him, for him to know me. I woke up with this feeling of immense regret; my dream-self so easily did what my reality-self has wanted to do for over a year.

Lame award of the year goes to...

Oh god. Never. Again.

This year is almost over. I feel incredibly old... and tired. Just tired of everything.

I had a good Christmas, thanks to family and friends I haven't seen in forever.

"Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home."

This is so true. I miss her like hell...

...seriously? You have everything. EVERYTHING. It has all been handed to you: anything you could ever need. And you actually want to complain to me, about another thing that has simply been given to you?

Go away.

Black Swan is nothing less than a wonderful, enthralling, sexy, horrifying film... and I enjoyed every second.

Double feature failure... But True Grit was excellent.

Another lonely night.

I actually looked for your name when I got online tonight. Hm. Talking to you last night made me feel a lot better... ah well.

True Grit/Black Swan double feature today with Whitney. So excited.

Always feeling an extreme. Either I'm stressed to the point of illness, or bored to the point of loneliness.

This break is treating me well, despite last night. I can't wait to spend more time with Yuko and Jason, and Alex, and Trina, and Seth (when he gets back), and just my mom. I feel very fortunate to be able to do all of this in a warm home with a full belly, too. Sorry I complain so much, world; you've given me a lot.

Oh, dear. Now I've made myself all excited looking at apartment ads on craigslist. Found a perfect four bedroom, three bathroom near campus... WANTWANTWANT. Omg, ad-posters, pleeease reply to my email soon. ♥

Mmm... two A-pluses. Feels good, man.

Now, to finish Christmas shopping...

Forgot to add this bit: I love Yuko and Jason. They made my Wednesday so, so excellent.

Well, I'm done. I'm finally done.

One of my professors calculated my grade wrong. I've emailed him about it, and I'm really hoping I won't need to file a grievance. Otherwise, I'm very proud of the grades I've gotten. It's definitely been my hardest semester and I made it over the hump.

Squee!

Just two more finals. Just two.

Except, I already feel like my brains are half-cooked scrambled eggs.

I wish you lived here, or I lived there. You're a beautiful person.

What part of "studying" don't you get? The world does not revolve around you.

I hate it when people add an unnecessary apostrophe s to the end of things that do not have them... things like grocery stores, restaurants, et cetera. No, it's not Kroger's. Nope, it isn't Meijer's. ... I could go on, but I won't.

I guess any excuse not to like you works anymore.

Or any excuse to avoid studying for a bit... been at it all day. Sigh. Five more finals. JUST. FIVE. ... :(

Every time I watch "Little Miss Sunshine," there's this huge, stupid smile plastered on my face at the end of it. What a precious movie.

Whenever a person doesn't like the exact same things as you, you find a way to insult them. You seriously need to take a step back and look at yourself. This isn't a new issue; it's one that I have been trying to overlook for quite some time, and for that, I am sorry. I should have told you this long ago.

Just because someone likes something different than what you like... it does not make them stupid, nor does it make them wrong. You are so intent at having the last word with these things, and that makes your arguing partner even less likely to agree with you.

I'M done.

I wish I had a big, shaggy golden retriever to cuddle with. Instead, I have six textbooks to become more acquainted with over the next nine days, a reasonably-priced apartment to find, and no one to be with but myself.

As much as I enjoy winter, I really wish I didn't have to spend its entirety feeling so alone.

I give you compliments all the time, because you deserve them. But someone else gives you the same one... and you make a Facebook status about it? I guess my compliments mean nothing.

Wow, I'm so stupid.