No matter how forgetful I am, there are some things I know I'll remember. Names, and perhaps even the faces that go with them will fade, but these feelings will not.

I won't forget the way the water felt as it first hit my skin. The way the moon hid behind the clouds that night. When he drunkenly told me I should be in a band. How easy it was to tell her about him. How rejected I felt when I saw him holding his glass up, at a toast to something or other, but how praised I felt when he wanted to take me alone. The way he accepted the silly things I told him (like, when I'm flying at night, I try to pretend that the ground is the sky, and the sky is the ground). The way she held her arms up, silently asking me to hold her; how she wanted to put her lip gloss on me. Her blonde hair-- the way it stood out in a sea of black-- and the way she cried. How natural it felt to tell him about her while we listened to Green Day... and how he didn't look at me differently afterward. How serene, how untouched the mountains looked against the clouds, and how quickly I felt at home.

It's these feelings that keep the experience real, and I can't forget them. I won't.

I wish you weren't so oblivious. I know that you're a busy man, but I'm desperately trying to show you... what? Who knows.

Why didn't we hang out sooner? Really? I'm having the hardest time coming up with any reason at all. I think you're pretty awesome.

Reunion with my favorite three next week! I'm so excited to see them all again. :) I might have trouble sleeping now, haha.

I'm becoming more and more shameless. Thus, I can easily confess to the world that I am an avid facebook stalker. People fascinate me. It starts with one person... someone I know fairly well; before I know it, I'm looking at my friend's friend's coworker's girlfriend's photos. And I enjoy every second of it.

In addition, a quote I've found while perusing. Perhaps I've read it before.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

- Aristotle

Good day was good. EWB Meeting turn out was slightly better than usual... truly excited about the potential with it. It was nice to see Russ, Michele and Ben again; we really all need regularly scheduled fun times with each other. Else, I'm not sure I'll be able to fully function for much longer. :p

I'm also excited about the potential with Phi Sigma Rho. I never, never thought that I would want to join a sorority... but this feels different. More importantly, it feels right. As I've said, I never would have guessed that it would be something I would actively pursue. However, what I've been doing obviously isn't making me as happy as I should be. I am more than ready for new things, new people, new activities, new surroundings, new experiences. If this is what gets me those things, while also maintaining philanthropic qualities, then I see no disadvantages. I am, in every sense, excited about the possibilities.

That old equation of unattainability: we always want what we can't have. And I find this in my life far, far too often.

Hm. It's been an eventful week and weekend... did some things I thought I wouldn't do. Planning some things I thought I would never plan. I keep surprising myself lately, and I think I like what I see.

Last night, I dreamt that we never left Guatemala, but they did. We got to know each other better, you and I. We sang some more. (I keep thinking about that song, haha; we really would make great pets. I wonder if you enjoyed that even half as much as I did.)

Down there, nothing from our past really mattered-- not much, anyway. It felt like starting over. I wonder what you think of me, or what any of them thought. What did the locals think? Especially the women we saw every day at the nutrition center. It's so weird to consider; it didn't really cross my mind when we were down there, but now that we're not... I can't get the thought out of my head. When you're in an unfamiliar place, it's so much easier to get out of your own head and focus on your surroundings, or on others, instead.

Tuesday afternoon, I left work and went to the Belvedere to read my book (David Sedaris's "When You Are Engulfed in Flames"-- definitely worth the read, so you know). But it was such a beautiful day, I found it difficult to focus on anything but the sky. There was a man who walked to the edge of the pavement, and he was looking at the river. He looked at it as if he had never seen it before, as if it had formed just yesterday. Perhaps he noticed me noticing him, perhaps he didn't; either way, he approached me, and introduced himself as Darrel. Darrel looked at the Ohio in that way because he truly was looking at it for the first time-- he is from Alaska. I got to know him a little, but I still couldn't get that image out of my mind... that way his face lit up, as he laid eyes on something entirely unfamiliar.

It's a lonely feeling, being unable to describe an incredible experience. Even lonelier is spending so little time with the people you enjoyed that experience with.

Adjusting back into my routine has been difficult, to say the least.

We arrived in Guatemala City on Saturday around noon; it’s a very small, but pretty airport. While flying in, I got a decent feel for what the city looked like: slums, mostly. I saw that a few houses had collapsed, as if there had recently been a mudslide. Seems like a lot of the homes and buildings are built on really steep hills. All of these buildings are so colorful, though, and each of them is unique in one way or another.

We caught a shuttle to our hotel, and rode for 3-4 hours. The roads weren’t as bad as I expected them to be, but they were nonetheless extremely underdeveloped, and super bumpy. Traffic was absolutely nuts... crazier than New York drivers, but no where near as pissed about it. It truly was strange. I witnessed so many drivers cut off others, but saw no anger anywhere. Guess they’re concerned about other things there.

During the drive through the city, I saw that a lot of advertisements were painted on buildings and homes. Ads for something called “Tigo” were EVERYWHERE. “Aqui estoy contigo!” they all said... I think it’s a cell phone provider. Whatever it is, it’s taking over down there.

There were a lot of political ads, too. … on any medium you can think of. Billboards, buildings, painted on roads, rocks. You name it. Their political parties are identified by colors, which is interesting.

Once out of the city, I noticed how much the terrain varied. Literally, from mile to mile, it looked like I was in a completely different country. Some areas looked rainforest-y, others were barren, some looked irrigated, a lot of farms, a lot of mountains, some almost-desert. It was disorienting, but very beautiful.

We reached Zacapa, and our hotel there was gorgeous. Geckos were everywhere (squee!). There was a pool and a bar (double squee!). It was profoundly different from its surroundings. Bit like an oasis in the desert... it was just so much nicer than everything else in the area.

We got to know a few of the people from other areas. A lot of the students were from Washington State. I think I made quite a few really good friends; many of them were medical students, but there were two journalism students and a handful of speech and hearing majors.

From Sunday through Thursday, we did construction work in a village called Gualan. Because we were in such an underdeveloped area, we had little choice but to do things very simply (which, in this case, makes for much harder work). We needed to dig holes (big holes, mind you)-- we used shovels. We needed to mix cement-- we used shovels. We needed steel to support the columns-- we cut the rebar, tied it, and welded it ourselves. It was a lot of rough work, and we all have blisters and sunburns to prove it... but it was pretty rewarding to see the progress.

During down times and breaks, we were able to play with the kids that lived there. Each of them was so sweet and unique. They would make this “ch, ch” noise, to try and get our attention, as opposed to saying, “Look at me!” or “My turn!”. It was absolutely precious. One little girl, Elvira, particularly grew on me. By the end of the week, she would be reaching for me to pick her up when she saw me.

The food we had each day was so good. There was this green chili sauce sitting out with every meal, and I swear, it was good on anything. And there was so much fruit! Bananas, papayas, mangoes, pineapples, melons, watermelons. It was all so fresh, and soooo good.

And the beer was pretty awesome. Cerveza! Tried quite a few different kinds. Gallo is a popular brand down there. As the week progressed, it seems like we drank more and more each night, haha. The last four nights, I think everyone was rightly out of their minds. Silly times.

Friday morning, we made our way to Antigua. It was a five hour drive, but seven hours for us, because our bus broke down. We managed to make it fun, though. A few of us sang to keep ourselves entertained, and we eventually found ourselves in that old, beautiful city.

That evening, we had a nice dinner and went out exploring. We went to a bar called Frida’s, where I had a Long Island Iced Tea.. things got a little crazy, haha. A few friends challenged three Guatemalans to a game of pool, and they won. We decided that we should go dancing... but each of the nearby clubs had a cover charge. So, instead, we sat down on the sidewalk, one of the Guatemalans pulled out his guitar, and we sang. Anything and everything we could think of and he could play. We got to know these three guys; they were each Mestizo. We hung out at their hostel a bit, sang some more. One of them was really impressed by the fact that I knew all of Stairway to Heaven. Another one of them was a little flirtatious with me, but I truly did enjoy getting to know him. Eventually, we made our way back to the hotel (after much confusion about where in the city we actually were).

Saturday morning, we got up extra early and took a shuttle to Lake Atitlan. Reportedly the most beautiful lake in the world, and I believe it. It’s nestled between three volcanoes, and is so blue, so clean, so, so pretty. We paid a guy to boat us across the lake to a small town called Santiago, which was still very Mayan. We explored the market there, bought coconuts from a guy who could handle a machete like a champ, and haggled a bit. On the way back to the boat, we changed into our swimsuits. We got back in the boat, went out to the middle of the lake, and jumped off. I don’t even have words to describe how incredible this was. The water was freezing, the current was strong, and we all screamed with shock after coming up from the dive. And it was wonderful. I’m not sure that I’ve ever felt so small, or so alive.

That evening, we rode back to Antigua, and had one last hurrah at a nearby hookah bar (which was embarrassingly better than any in Louisville). Got up the next morning, said our good-byes, and we were off.

Russ and I listened to his iPod on the way, and this was actually one of the funnest moments of the trip for me. He has excellent taste in music and isn’t nearly as tone deaf as he thinks he is, haha. I feel like I got to know him a lot better, just in sharing the music.

And now, I’m home... left with these memories that I can already feel slipping away. I hate how fleeting this was. The fact that my life is so utterly mundane doesn’t really help, either. But I feel like I’ve made a lot of good friends during these past few days... I hope these relationships are more real than the trip itself now feels.

I can't even begin to describe how incredible this past week has been. Well, I can... but I don't think any words could sum it all up. I'm desperately afraid I'll forget it all, so I'll get to typing.

Of all of the things you could possibly accuse me of, making you feel "inferior" seems the most illogical. I'm fairly certain that, in reality, things are the other way around. You always make me feel inferior. You interrupt me increasingly more often, as if nothing I say is worth your time. You always make it a point, it seems, to disagree with me. You point out the things that I'm doing, say that they're "not like me." You might as well be calling the ideas stupid. And yet, you still manage to somehow, in your mind, make yourself the victim in every situation? You're like this whining, sniveling infant; I'm not sure who you are anymore. Everything you said today was like a child screaming desperately for attention. Well, you have it; you have had it. You have ALWAYS fucking had it. And just like that screaming, begging child, it's the sort of attention you probably didn't want.

I leave in less than eight hours, and I'm going to try my damnedest to think of you as little as I possibly can. Perhaps you should try to do the same.

It's almost go time. I keep remembering something else I should pack... I'm really bad at packing minimally, haha.

Getting anxious. But so excited. jdofaj;weufjzue!

Every time someone I'm attracted to says my name, it makes me smile. What the hell is the deal with this? Why am I so conceited as to love the sound of my name leaving his mouth? And all this does is make me think of that infamous scene from American Pie. I don't particularly like that movie. ... Does this happen to anyone else?

A-pack-pack-packin'.

"Hey Marcella, was that Shaq in the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead? My friend says it was, but I know it wasn't, and he told me to ask a librarian, and you were the closest person I knew to a librarian." This made me smile.

I hope we can actually hang out sometime. I think you and I are alike in many ways, and we could be great friends. Don't know why we never hung out in high school.

Starting to feel anxious. Trying to pack; never been good at packing. Oh god.

I'm really hoping to get to know you better on this trip.

I've been experiencing vertigo lately...? Just every now and then. But, it's this like... almost gravitational feeling, pulling me to the left of whatever room I'm in. It's impossible to resist. Inner ear problems? I don't have time for this. ._.

Migraine = annihilated. Now my evening can continue. :3

Another collection of unrelated thoughts:

Maybe it's just the exhaustion talking, but I really feel like giving up on that friendship. I'm not sure there's much left anymore. Would say sorry, but that doesn't make anything different. Things change.

I forgot about you. I'd love to get to know you better. You seem like a really nice guy. Honestly surprised that you remembered my name.

Guatemala in a week! I'm excited, nervous, etc. Still doesn't feel like it's actually going to happen.

E-Expo was good. I really like telling people about my experiences as a student.

I'm considering running for a position in ASCE. But might be doing that with EWB, too... can I do both? Or is explosion guaranteed? Only time will tell.

"Roll with the Changes" by REO Speedwagon NEVER ceases to put a smile on my face. Seriously, what an encouraging song. Lol, I'm shameless.

In just less than ten days, I'll be in Guatemala. Difficult to believe that I'm leaving the country. I never thought that the first place I'd go would be central America, but I think this feels right. I'm so excited for new sights, new food, new people. I'm hoping that with a new place, I'll feel different. Awake.