It's the last day of 2010, and I can't help but feel that this was a year of constants. First year without her. A year full of school, and school, and school. Loss of organization and focus. Circling in this ring of indecision I've managed to trap myself in. I had typed up a lot more, but decided that it was all a bit unnecessary and pessimistic, so I'll leave 2010 at that.

I'm really hoping that 2011 will be a year of much more substance. For just one second, I'm going to pretend that the changing of the year really does change me and my life... that it isn't just some meaningless number. When the clock strikes midnight this evening, a switch will flip in my brain and everything will be better. ...right?

Two separate and entirely unrelated thoughts:
Well, that was interesting.
The rain always makes me think of you.

I had a dream about him last night. My subconscious has filled out his entire personality, though I hardly know him. This dream was like a second chance to know him, for him to know me. I woke up with this feeling of immense regret; my dream-self so easily did what my reality-self has wanted to do for over a year.

Lame award of the year goes to...

Oh god. Never. Again.

This year is almost over. I feel incredibly old... and tired. Just tired of everything.

I had a good Christmas, thanks to family and friends I haven't seen in forever.

"Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home."

This is so true. I miss her like hell...

...seriously? You have everything. EVERYTHING. It has all been handed to you: anything you could ever need. And you actually want to complain to me, about another thing that has simply been given to you?

Go away.

Black Swan is nothing less than a wonderful, enthralling, sexy, horrifying film... and I enjoyed every second.

Double feature failure... But True Grit was excellent.

Another lonely night.

I actually looked for your name when I got online tonight. Hm. Talking to you last night made me feel a lot better... ah well.

True Grit/Black Swan double feature today with Whitney. So excited.

Always feeling an extreme. Either I'm stressed to the point of illness, or bored to the point of loneliness.

This break is treating me well, despite last night. I can't wait to spend more time with Yuko and Jason, and Alex, and Trina, and Seth (when he gets back), and just my mom. I feel very fortunate to be able to do all of this in a warm home with a full belly, too. Sorry I complain so much, world; you've given me a lot.

Oh, dear. Now I've made myself all excited looking at apartment ads on craigslist. Found a perfect four bedroom, three bathroom near campus... WANTWANTWANT. Omg, ad-posters, pleeease reply to my email soon. ♥

Mmm... two A-pluses. Feels good, man.

Now, to finish Christmas shopping...

Forgot to add this bit: I love Yuko and Jason. They made my Wednesday so, so excellent.

Well, I'm done. I'm finally done.

One of my professors calculated my grade wrong. I've emailed him about it, and I'm really hoping I won't need to file a grievance. Otherwise, I'm very proud of the grades I've gotten. It's definitely been my hardest semester and I made it over the hump.

Squee!

Just two more finals. Just two.

Except, I already feel like my brains are half-cooked scrambled eggs.

I wish you lived here, or I lived there. You're a beautiful person.

What part of "studying" don't you get? The world does not revolve around you.

I hate it when people add an unnecessary apostrophe s to the end of things that do not have them... things like grocery stores, restaurants, et cetera. No, it's not Kroger's. Nope, it isn't Meijer's. ... I could go on, but I won't.

I guess any excuse not to like you works anymore.

Or any excuse to avoid studying for a bit... been at it all day. Sigh. Five more finals. JUST. FIVE. ... :(

Every time I watch "Little Miss Sunshine," there's this huge, stupid smile plastered on my face at the end of it. What a precious movie.

Whenever a person doesn't like the exact same things as you, you find a way to insult them. You seriously need to take a step back and look at yourself. This isn't a new issue; it's one that I have been trying to overlook for quite some time, and for that, I am sorry. I should have told you this long ago.

Just because someone likes something different than what you like... it does not make them stupid, nor does it make them wrong. You are so intent at having the last word with these things, and that makes your arguing partner even less likely to agree with you.

I'M done.

I wish I had a big, shaggy golden retriever to cuddle with. Instead, I have six textbooks to become more acquainted with over the next nine days, a reasonably-priced apartment to find, and no one to be with but myself.

As much as I enjoy winter, I really wish I didn't have to spend its entirety feeling so alone.

I give you compliments all the time, because you deserve them. But someone else gives you the same one... and you make a Facebook status about it? I guess my compliments mean nothing.

Wow, I'm so stupid.

OHMYGODOHMYGOD I LOVE KNOWING GRAD STUDENTS. ♥

I know exactly who I get my negativity from...

If I have children, I will never discuss money issues around them. Never. I'm eternally pessimistic because that's all she ever does... and I can't be like that. I won't.

Guilt...? Maybe. Only a little, though.

Three quizzes this week that I was completely unaware of until today.

Great.

This electric blanket is almost fooling me into thinking that someone is here with me, keeping me warm. Ha, yeah right.


I can hardly stand to be left alone with my thoughts anymore.

Having the hardest time focusing today, or getting anywhere near it.

Four tests this week. Two big homework assignments due. Lab Report. Then, six additional finals following, in the first two weeks of December.

Fuck. This.

God. Damn.

I'm so frustrated. Fuck text messages.

This morning, I woke up feeling the last emotion from my dream... feeling that one emotion as if it were the only thing I could feel. So strange.

For some reason, I made an effort to be pretty today. I put on makeup and took the time to coordinate. Why, and for whom? The overwhelming amount of people trying to make plans with me? Oh yeah, that'd be zero.

I saw you again; what are the chances? After a year of wishing I had found the courage to get to know you, I've now unexpectedly run into you... twice. Twice! Why haven't I asked you if we could grab coffee or something? Given you my phone number? Anything? There's something about you that has kept me curious for this long, and yet I still don't know you.

Sometimes, I really don't like me.

It's been a completely sleepless weekend, but I'm so glad you're okay. I know that you would do the same for me without hesitation.

I suppose everyone is an elitist about something.

I've found that when I see someone I'm attracted to, my left hand almost always reaches up to my left ear. It's like an automatic thing. How... strange.

I do wonder who you are, though. You have a very friendly smile.

My major is the least appreciated engineering major... and my pay grade, despite how grateful I am for it, will always be less than that of an electrical, or chemical, or pretty much any other engineering major. It's pretty depressing.

I'm going to try to do nothing but school work and look forward to Harry Potter for the next few days. That's how empty my life feels right now.

Literally 90% of the things I say are misinterpreted. Am I really this awful at communicating?

Ha. Everyone bailed. Guess I'm not surprised.

I wish you could be here. I really miss you more than I'm comfortable with.

... it's absurd how many people these two sentences apply to.

"All that time... wasted.
I wish I were a little more delicate."

Finally home. It was a quick and busy four days, but I had a good time. Hope something useful comes of it.

My brother and I just had a squabble immediately, though. ...but for the first time in years, maybe the first time ever... he said sorry. And he meant it.

Maybe things will get better.

Flight leaves in just over 12 hours. Excite.

Election day: the only day of the year when people shove their political beliefs down your throat.

Ah, if only. Nevertheless, it's beyond irritating.

OHMYGODIHATETHISSEMESTERISITOVERYET?!

More. Migraines.

Surprise.

This week has taken a huge blow at my self-esteem. I feel like I'm doing horribly at everything I try.

On the other hand, the head of my department just complimented my outfit.

... what?

Two lengthy tests in succession make for an extremely unhappy Marcella.

Nap time? Nope. Sigh.

I'm a terrible excuse for a friend.

Sometimes, while looking through peoples' Facebook albums or just learning about their hobbies, I realize how very empty my life is in that respect. People have all sorts of stories about hiking, canoeing, general exploring, etc. These are things that I've always wanted to do, but have had neither the grace nor time to do it.

I'm beginning to realize more and more that I have no hobbies.

I need to change that.

Day x of waking up with a migraine.

... it's going to be a long day.

OH MY GOD WHY IS EVERYTHING I WANT TO ATTEND HAPPENING ON TUESDAY?!! JOFA;JEUFEJUAOFEEUAGHHH

Confession time: I'm such a selfish person... and I'm unreasonably jealous far too often.

I'm not happy with being alone.

Haha, wow. Could you be any more rude?

I have so many ideas. Constantly, ideas (as insignificant as they might be) are bouncing through my thoughts. It happens particularly often while I'm driving. Some of these ideas seem wonderful when they occur, and yet I always forget them.

I need to write my thoughts down more often. Perhaps my life will make more sense, if I do. I would like to keep a journal of my dreams, as well... but I'll forget this, too.


A friend of mine said this yesterday and I can't agree more: "I need a Pensieve."

It's so hard to tune you out when you're rambling about all of these companies that you've interviewed with.

You don't think that it's the slightest bit crass to do that around me? To THIS extent?

Ha. Guess not. Since you're still doing it.

Such
a
long,
long,
long,
looooong
day.

What could make my day worse, you ask?

Yeah, seeing you would do it. Sigh.

If I hear about one more interview, I might vomit.

My cat is so much happier than I am right now. She gets blissful lazy time. I'm beyond jealous.

I think a train hit me while I was sleeping. I feel awful.

Fuck. Insurance. I cannot believe how much time, energy, and stress I have wasted/will continue to waste on this bullshit.

Oh, also, you're damn right you're capable of being a jerk. So tempting to comment on. You're entirely over that, though, I'm sure. I doubt you ever read this, so I'm assuming it's okay that I'm this direct. I'm supposing that you couldn't care less about me, as well. I am pretty forgettable.

I have this sick feeling that I'm going to live the rest of my life, always with a headache. I can't remember the last day I didn't have a headache or a migraine.

I want to get treated, but doctors always tell me the stupidest things. Stress, lack of sleep, etc. So why do migraines visit me even when I'm well-rested and placated? Also, a lack of insurance is not in my favor... not that insurance would help. The preexisting condition policy makes me so angry I could cry.

Yes! America!

...sigh. I just want to whine.

Some people are so sweetly observant, and I just don't know how they do it. Things ranging from remembering everyone's birthdays, to noticing that someone is feeling down and brightening their day in some way. One of the guys in a chapter I'm involved in sympathized with me about a Facebook status I posted yesterday. In certain situations, that could seem creepy, but it was very nice and thoughtful.

I wish I could be friendly like that, while remaining genuine. I suppose I often get too caught up in my life and my own thoughts to consider those around me. I'm by no means a grouch (at least, I don't think I am...), but I need to remind myself to go out of my way to spread happiness. I read a quote by Siddharta Gautama earlier today, and it's frighteningly relevant:

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

It's been a great year for concerts, really. Two more under my belt in the past few days... Saw Band of Horses last Wednesday, and they were lovely. Just saw OK Go (as well as Company of Thieves, who I've seen once and were as endearing as ever). They were... great. Really. It was such an intimate performance and I felt so involved. My throat hurts.

Shows like that make me feel... alive.

Also, I touched Damian. No big deal. :3

Alex said the nicest thing to me last night: "People like you restore my faith in humanity."

I think exactly the same of her but have no words to surpass the way she said it. :/

I'm failing at everything I try to do today.

Fail at being in a good mood when I do badly on something, and I take it out on others. Fail at simply looking over a test before I turn it in; I can't even remember if I marked all of the true or false questions on this test I just took... fail at this homework I can't figure out and it's due in less than an hour. Fail at preparing for these sorts of things. Fail at remembering to bring these concert tickets. Fail at remembering ANYFUCKINGTHING at all.

Brb, self loathing.

I'm aching so badly... it's like the aches you feel if you have a really high fever, but I'm not feverish. Just in severe, full-body pain. I'm guessing it's from the drop in temperature here... that can't be normal for a person of my age, though, can it?

I'm great at offending people these days.

Ordering pizza by myself on a Saturday night... in bed with my cat.

I truly am a crazy cat lady in the making.

A lot of people say that we would be good together, but this is EXACTLY why I could never be with you. We disagree on so many subjects, and that's just fine; we're not the same person. But whenever I do something or say something that you disagree with, you berate me, offend me, belittle me in so many ways. I doubt you even know that you do it-- you get into this... this rant mode. I hate it. Why can't you accept that not everyone in this world agrees with you?

Now you're being nice again, and I feel horrible for being angry. Sigh.

I had a dream last night in which someone shot my cat. It was so nice to wake up and
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' (haha, that was her) find that she was still alright. Biggest relief I've felt in a long time. I love my kitty.

I'm so stupid for bringing that subject up to you. You, of all people, have it worse off in that situation, and I'm an idiot. Now I just feel worse, and even less sensible than I did before.

I cannot believe I didn't realize this sooner... but we're never going to see each other. With alternating co-op schedules... I'm losing a best friend, all over again. I can't stop crying.

A good friend of mine has now lost both of her parents, within weeks of each other. I'm so worried about her. I'm shaking, and feeling her hurt through my old pain... it's an awful sensation. I just wish there were some way I could help her, and express to her that life indeed goes on... whether we want it to or not.

It's beautiful days like this that make me feel alive. A fairly long drive with the windows down, and the smell of autumn filling my car... there's nothing like it. I can still smell it in my hair. No matter how briefly I was able to enjoy today, I'm unbelievably grateful for it.

I saw a shooting star for the first time.

Please, let this week be better.

Normally, I feel some sense of release after posting something on here. I'm only beginning to feel worse. You seem to not be bothered in the slightest by how much you bothered me; I thought that you, of all people, would understand why that hurt me. Heh, guess I thought wrong.

I've found myself getting really sad or angry-- or both-- about everything for the past few days. I'm offended by the tiniest things and I feel like exploding with every remark or action made by most of those around me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stand this week, and I can hardly stand myself anymore. I don't know when I became this.

I find myself looking up engineering and architectural firms every time I have a free moment. As exciting and enthralling as this is, I really should stop and finish some homework first. >_< doajwiefjeiowa

Feeling really irritable and jittery today. The guy sitting behind me in my dynamics class this morning kept kicking the shelf under my seat (which is unsettling enough) and giving the teacher wrong answers, thereby confusing her and turning every problem in the wrong direction. And she was getting all flustered, wondering why she had made such small errors-- this ass sitting behind me can't keep his mouth shut and shit from billowing out of it, that's why.

Also, I hate laser pointers. Not a good life choice, professor.

Fffff.

Sometimes, you both make me want to cry. It seems to happen at the most random times, too... but I can't ignore it.

For once, I'm really wanting to put off homework and studying to spend some time with a friend, any friend, that I haven't spent much time with lately, and no one will have it. Sigh.

Initiating clusterfuck...

I've been having really bad dreams lately. I've noticed that my skin looks significantly better on the weekends; I'm terrible with handling stress. I saw a golden retriever today and was reminded of a dog my aunt once had. That was my favorite dog of all time and I wish she were still here; she's made me want a golden retriever since then, although I'm sure none of them are as amazing as her. My cat met that dog. She didn't hate her, so that's but another testament to this dog's awesomeness. I've been averaging about 4 hours of sleep each night, just like I did in the summer. Applying for co-op jobs nonstop. I thought this week would never end; suddenly it's Friday and I feel like it's a lie.

I need sleep. I vow to have at least 6 hours tonight. (Pleasepleaseplease give me 6 hours of sleep. Nightmare-less sleep.)

Something about today feels... different. Something is wrong. More wrong than the usual wrong.

It's been a year... One year without her. I want to cry, but I could never cry enough. I want to laugh, laugh like she used to laugh. How she used to make me laugh. I don't think I've laughed like that in a year. It's hard to imagine myself as that person. It's becoming harder and harder to remember her. Nothing scares me more than that.

It's becoming easier and easier to imagine you crashing and burning. I know that you can't see it; it's hard to, until it has already happened. I just wish I could help you see.

Sometimes, I think about what it would be like to meet your parents... how neat it would be to see where you came from. To find (or not find) your qualities in them-- their quirks in you.

I suppose that won't ever happen.

Tried on a butt-ton of pant suits (and skirt suits) yesterday... still tired from it, haha. It felt a lot like playing dress up... but I liked it sometimes. Might have made up my mind.

On a related note, I never knew I liked so many things at Macy's. I guess the one in the mall near me just sucks.

I've been trying so hard to erase you. Still can't shake the feeling that it's the opposite of what I should be doing.

Sometimes... I still go to text you, or post something on your facebook wall. It's been nearly a year and I still do it. So much more often than I'd like to admit.

I miss you so fucking much.

Some Evangelic asshole plans to burn a bunch of copies of the Qur'an on Saturday, the anniversary of 9-11. Counteracting hatred with hatred (AND intolerance... AND ignorance). And sheer douchebaggery. I'm sure Jesus is real proud of you, sir. You are the reason why the rest of the world (as well as I) is disgusted with America.

Dude... fuck these recommended photos on Facebook. It's just another way for you to haunt me.

I'm not sure that I'll be able to get a co-op out of town, but I'm already so eager at the mere thought of it. I suppose I really am excited to be on my own.

Get out of my dreams.

Thinking about trying to co-op somewhere in Chicago. It would be scary, moving away and being on my own, but it's such an amazing opportunity. I just hope not too many of the smarter students with better, relevant experience want those jobs, too... :c

Every time I hear "Champagne Supernova," I think of her. There are a lot of songs that make me think of her... just as a lot of things do.

Tomorrow is the first day of September. I wish I could skip it.

Can't seem to pull myself out of this slump. I should be able to, though; I put myself here, after all.

More information that I don't know what to do with. Alright... thanks?

Um... okay. Strange excuse to talk to me. Abandon the conversation. That's cool, I guess.

I suppose you think I'm being melodramatic, but, you're the only person I've tried to explain those things to. Sorry for trying.

I'm sad when I see your name there, but I'm also sad when I don't. This sucks.

Just what I thought.

"I thought you'd want the same for me."

Classes start again tomorrow. Should be a good distraction... Preparing for further loneliness.

I keep trying to tell myself that something better will come along, but... I can't shake the feeling that it won't.

... that hurts.

I suppose I should have seen it coming. I just wish you would have somehow let me know; I think I'm entitled to that much.

I've probably done the same thing to someone else, though. I guess I deserve it.

Such a bland day.

I appreciate your attempts and concern, but you only remind me of how lost I am.

It was really nice to see you, but now that you're gone, I feel lonelier. And I feel bad for canceling my other plans... not that I could help it. I certainly couldn't. I just feel like I've made them upset.

Sometimes, I read your blog and the things you write about her, and it makes me cry. I never thought I could cry for so many reasons. I cry because I'm so happy for her; she deserves you just as much as you deserve her. I've never seen two people so fit for one another. I cry because I'm so happy that her son has a father-- a real father, not a douche-father; someone to look up to as he grows older, someone worth looking up to. I cry because I feel proven wrong each time I read these things... because you give me hope that there are guys as sweet as you. I cry because I might be wrong. As much as I cry for happiness, I cry with envy... with this fear that I'm completely incompatible, and even if there are more like you... they would want nothing to do with me.

I'm the only person to blame for this feeling. So... why can't I get rid of it?

The longer I wait, the more I convince myself to wait longer... or just completely give up on the idea. I wonder if it's even crossed your mind.

... I want alcohol. I've never really wanted it before, wanted that lack of control... but I want it now.

Oh, how I love wasting all of my money on textbooks.

I'm digging myself into that same hole again.

I feel forgotten.

Do you ever think about how strange music is? How strange it is to even speak? That, with air, we vibrate this small piece of flesh in our bodies, flap our mouths, and sounds come out? Coherent sounds? Sounds with meanings, millions of meanings and emotions and scents and textures associated with them?

Do you ever think about how strange it is to just exist?

Without classes, my life (I'm sad to say) is even more mundane and lonely. When I'm feeling particularly down- like now- I try to remember just how strange and beautiful existence really is.

I hate it when I hear a song that has the potential to be so beautiful, but it's performed so poorly... or generically.... that I can hardly stand to listen to it. It's a moral (and auditory) dilemma.

I'm beginning to wonder why you even talked to me in the first place.

Because I'm bored, and for once have some extra time on my hands, I suppose I could do some leisurely blogging.

When I was younger, I never imagined that I would ever want kids. The mere thought of being a mother or even close to one (say, a motherly figure) frightened me, limited me, weighed me down. But lately, for some strange reason, I've begun to understand the appeal of motherhood. Perhaps it's only my biological clock ticking and I'm finally noticing that my time here isn't eternal, or perhaps I'm just now figuring this part of myself out.

Every day, while at work, I see tons of children. Older children, younger children, but that's not really relevant. I think about how each of these children is at their own unique stage of life. I think about what they might have been like as an infant, and what has made them the way they are now. Where did they get that habit from? Childhood development fascinates me, and suddenly, I can't wait to have a child of my own. Watch that child grow, from something that doesn't even know it exists to a walking, talking individual. Unfolding its own little (or infinite?) universe.

It's so strange to have free time. I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Come back. Please?

My puny summer break has begun. :)

Never in my life have I been so pleased with you, Mr. plus sign. You look good there, I must say.

Just took my calculus final, and I'm shaking so badly. I never used to have this problem. I wasn't even that nervous. I wish I could calm down.

...and the later it gets, the lonelier I become.

I wish you were here to advise me right now, even if you just did so jokingly. Your input was always so consoling. Sometimes, I feel so lost without you.

It's been another great weekend. Time to study. Just one more week; then, sleep will be mine once again. I'm beyond excited.

Crazy happenings (that don't seem so crazy in retrospect but continue to keep me jittery nonetheless) today.

In short, "Inception" is quite a good movie. I need to see it again to confirm that it's actually awesome.

I wonder if you lose sleep, too.

...probably not.

FINALLY got an A on a calculus test. The one time I didn't study at all.

I'm bewildered.

I went to Forecastle festival again yesterday, despite the mass amount of homework I should have been working on (which I'm still putting off). Best stupid decision ever. I got about three hours of sleep, but it was so worth it. I saw She & Him, Spoon, and the Flaming Lips. The Lips put on such a strange, amazing show; I forgot all of my worries during that one.

Aw, man. Such a good weekend. I don't even mind that the cost of it is to stress the hell out today. It's a great trade.

Yesterday was so fantastic, despite its inclusion of exhaustion and dehydration. I saw CAKE, DEVO (surprisingly amazing), Bassnectar (an electronic sort of artist, sometimes seemed sort of dubstep; in short, the area was temporarily converted to a rave), and the Smashing Pumpkins. Each of these shows was spectacular in its own way, and I doubt I've ever sweat so much in my life. It must also be noted that I saw all of these artists with a really awesome guy.

It'll be difficult to top that Saturday.

I could sleep for days.

I really like all of the old phrases and idioms that you use. I noticed your use of them initially and I still expect at least one to jump out in conversation. I think it's adorable, but I guess I won't tell you that directly. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.

I do some of the stupidest shit sometimes. And then I cry about it, like the baby I am. I'm feeling so hormonal.

Yesterday, I spent the latter half of the day with Alex and her family, and it was the best time I've had in weeks. I felt very welcome and I loved just sitting and talking with them.

But, school work has come back to haunt me today. I wish I had the time and money to escape. I want to see a beach. I want to, if only for just a day, pretend like all of this means nothing to me.

Someone really important in my life found out today that he has a brain tumor. It's benign and that's such a relief, but I can't shake this feeling of terror, this thought of losing someone else. And then, I can't shake the guilt that's a product of that feeling; it's so selfish of me. But I'm not the only person that would be missing out, if anything happened to him. He's going to do great things. He's the smartest person I know, as well as one of the kindest. I hate to imagine a world without him.

Beautiful. I'm not sure it can be summed up in that small word, though.

I have less than a month left of calculus... like, forever. I'll never have to say that ugly word again if I don't want to. From then on, I'll just have some small applications of it, if that... and this makes me really, really happy. :3

I already knew that, for the past six or so months, I haven't been getting enough sleep. 20-25 hours a week just doesn't cut it. But I think it's actually physically affecting me now. I'm falling asleep almost every day in one or more of my classes, and it might be messing with my depth perception. In short, I have a strong feeling that I'm going to be in a wreck sometime soon. ...just a feeling.

In a calculus quiz today, my professor gave one instruction but expected something else to be worked out. I asked him directly about it during the quiz, and he told me you only had to do [insert calculus jargon], but apparently you had to do [more calculus jargon], as well, although there were no instructions indicating such things. It was apparently needed on the next problem. Regardless, I spoke to him after class, and he was incredibly rude to me. I can't remember being this angry, in a long, long time; after talking to him, I was so furious I was almost crying. He wasn't outrightly rude, but spoke with a subtle, all the more belittling rudeness. This happened well over six hours ago and I still feel completely irate. It's not even about a stupid fucking quiz anymore; I just don't remember ever being this offended. I've spent so much time being sad for nearly a year, I've forgotten what it felt like to be this angry. I'm having a difficult time trying to keep myself from snapping at everyone I meet.

I really want to talk to you.

Unfortunately, this statement applies to two people, and one of them is dead. The other seems to have no interest in talking to me whatsoever.

I still really, really want to talk to you.

I can't pretend that it didn't hurt... but, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. I had a good feeling about this and I still do. I never get this kind of good feeling, and I don't want it to go anywhere.

I saw in the paper that Kyrgyz-Uzbek tensions have mounted again. One part of the article was particularly disturbing: a Kyrgyz mob allegedly set fire to an Uzbek orphanage, and they're doing the same to plenty of homes and businesses in Uzbek districts. I don't understand how people can have so much hatred for one another... and for what? Land? Natural resources? Things that can never truly be anyone's. And these things happen far more often than we can know on this side of the planet. Hell, these things happen here, albeit usually on a smaller scale. I wish I knew how to help... or even how to understand.

"Why do you have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore yoooou"

During my shift at the library today, the architect designing our new library came in and held a public meeting, to hear what people might want to see in a new library. After this meeting—which was fascinating—I spoke with him, generally about his career... I don't know, maybe I am doing the right thing. Maybe not. Talking with him sorta made me want to go straight to a school of architecture. Either way, it was so nice to hear from someone that's passionate in the field I hope to eventually get into. Also, when my boss introduced me to him, she called me "brilliant." No one has ever called me "brilliant." Perhaps today isn't so horrible. I might have destroyed my tablet, gotten behind on a lot of work, dreaded tests and the like, but... someone thinks I'm brilliant.

Why I ever thought I could handle all of this, I'll never know. I've never felt so overwhelmed. I've never even fathomed feeling so overwhelmed.

Wow. Great day, gone horrible. I guess that's fitting for a week like this: one with three tests and at least one quiz in it. Going to hide now.

Sometimes, I'm so full of love, I feel I might burst. I actually began to list to myself the people I love (my cat included, of course), and the list quickly grew so long that I don't even feel the need to type it anymore. I love you. I'm trying to make more time to show it... I really am.

Many mixed feelings in my world of academia today. Bombed a quiz in calculus, which I'm usually least worried about. Didn't do as well as I thought on a statics quiz. But, after worrying for two weeks about my electrical engineering test, I find that I got an A. The universe is unfolding in a very unexpected way.

There's constantly an exam on the horizon... and I assure you, the horizon is always much closer than it appears to be. Mine certainly is. I don't know how anyone manages their time; there's so little of it to be managed. It keeps slipping through my fingers before I can even decide how to ration it. I wish I had the time to go to the beach. It's so easy to forget about insignificant things like this with this infinite stretch of water before you, infintesimal grains of sands between your toes. -sigh- WANT.

"It's not too late
to feel a little more alive.
Make an escape,
before we start to vaporize.

Doubtless, we've been through this.
So if you want to follow me, you should know,
I was lost then and I'm lost now,
and I doubt I'll ever know which way to go."

I've been on a Broken Bells kick. At this point, it's looking like I'll be on it for a long time.

Limbo. I want to sway to the more hopeful side of things, but that's also more difficult. I guess this is why I've shut myself off for so long.

I'm a very weak person. I only wish I knew if you are, as well...

Migraine... of course you wanted to visit me on my busiest day. Of course.

My good feelings are unbelievably fleeting. I felt great yesterday and now I want to dig myself a hole to hide in.

I feel like... at any moment, you or someone else is gonna say, PSYCH! Just kiddin'! Dunno where this came from, but I'm glad it did.

For the first time in well over a year, I am actually hungry. Hungry enough to want to eat until my mouth is tired... and there is no nausea. I don't know what I did to get rid of it, but I've celebrated all weekend by eating mass amounts of food... and it's amazing.

Wow... I haven't heard from you in months, and that's it? Ouch. I guess I'm not easily missed.

I am constantly disappointing myself.

I'm now 19 years old. As birthdays usually go, this one is no different. The concept of celebrating a birthday is one that I've never been able to fully grasp. Seems narcissistic, at times, to celebrate your own life, when there are thousands of people doing the same thing that same day and they think they're just as unique as you do. I feel no different, and I guess that's okay. That's normal. These are things that I've long ago accepted. But, this is the first birthday during which I haven't heard from her; it's one of the few things about my birthday that I've always looked forward to. ...No call, with her singing tone-deafedly on the other end. No facebook comments or messages or stupid e-cards. No mail.

The one person in the world that I wanted to hear from on my birthday won't say a thing. I don't know why that should hurt today more than any other day, but it does.

While at work today, I was moping and I might have realized just why that was so. I think I'm creatively under-stimulated— deprived, if you will. When I was younger, I was much more artsy. I played a few instruments. I drew a lot more than I do now. I wrote more. Lately, I haven't had nearly enough time to breathe, let alone do these things solely for pleasure, but I'm finding that I need these things in my life. Engineering school, at this fundamental point, is somewhat stifling to my imagination; I'm sure that it will get better... I hope. Until then, I need something to be proud of. I need creative accomplishments... or at least a stupid hobby. I want to learn to knit or crochet. To paint. I wish I could make gifts for my friends and family... I want to play the piano; that's something I've always thought I could be good at that. Maybe pick up the flute or acoustic again, like I used to so often do. I want to become an avid runner. Learn to do yoga, or tai chi. I want to keep a garden... or at least keep a plant without killing it. I want to read more; read every book I keep eying at the library, read books that have been recommended to me for years, read things that will surprise me, disturb me, enthrall me. I want to volunteer at animal shelters like I used to. I want five cats. I want someone to love and love me.

So, contrary to what I posted earlier, I guess I do know what I want. I don't know if I'm going for what I want anymore... I really need to think about it and I'll admit that I've avoided it. I've avoided a lot of things and a lot of thoughts and it needs to stop.

I'm becoming more and more certain that I've made the wrong decision. I'm doing miserably in a class that's very essential to my major. I don't know what I want anymore, but I don't suppose I ever really did.

I feel extremely useless.

Wow. I love the Velvet Underground... so... much.

Classes tomorrow, once again. The quickness of college never ceases to surprise me... and it's making me feel so old.

I'm so many things I wish I weren't. I'm dependent. Easily frustrated. It takes just about nothing to make me cry. I'm too easily disgusted with myself.

It's been a while since I've felt this alone. I guess movies like "Closer" don't really help the feeling.

I miss you.

I wish someone would drive far away from the city with me to watch the meteor shower tonight. I wish. :(

Strapped for cash in the mid-1950s, Kurt Vonnegut took a job at Sports Illustrated, though he “didn’t care or know squat about sports.”

They asked him to write a piece about a racehorse that had jumped the fence at the local track.

He fed a page into his typewriter, stared at it for several hours, typed “The horse jumped over the fucking fence” and left.

StumbleUpon is making this day suck a bit less. 

I'm always doing the wrong thing, and doubting myself more with every passing day.

I dreamed that I was sleeping outside, and in my dream... I woke up to the rain, falling at first in sporadic droplets. They grew steadier, until it poured... and for some reason, this is one of the best dreams I've ever had.

I woke up at 4:09 this morning. I was dreaming about her; I wish I could have stayed in that dream. To an extent, I think that everyone enjoys their dreams more than reality, but... everything was okay in this dream. More so than any dream I've ever had, probably. I wish I could remember it.

"Champagne Supernova" came on the radio a few hours later, while I was driving to school. She introduced me to that song, as she did with many of my now-favorites, so long ago. The other night, I heard some song by Metallica for the first time in a while; not particularly my favorite... but I can still see her air drumming to it, singing more enthusiastically than anyone I've ever known or ever will know, I'm quite sure. I miss her voice so much. Her infectious laugh... the way her nose crinkled when she did so.

Sometimes, I feel like I've made it all up-- that Melanie and each of her wonderful quirks are but figments of my imagination. I miss her so much, I wish I knew a word stronger than "miss." I wish I had more people to talk to that knew her. I wish I didn't have to wish things like this.

Oh, how I have missed the rain...

I'm an awful friend, and I hate the person I've become. I'm trying to change it, but I feel that the more I try, the more I dislike myself. I can't keep myself from running in circles.

Wow. It doesn't take much at all to make me feel entirely rejected. Have I become one of those people? One of those girls that is always begging for attention of some sort? I don't think that I beg for it but I've certainly been a thousand times needier within these past few months. If I have annoyed you in any way, I'm sorry.

Holy shit. Best day I've had, in quite a long time. I guess I'm just simple-minded and good weather enforces my happiness. But, for the first time in a while, I'm feeling a sense of purpose... and I feel loved, by some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I hope these feelings are here to stay.

Most importantly, my favorite British person in the woooorld has asked me to tea! DAMN, that's awesome. ^_^

I just read another poem by e. e. cummings, and I really connected with it... "You Are Tired (I Think)." I'm not even sure if I think it was particularly remarkable. But, near the end of it, I had to brace myself for the chills I knew were coming. I had to actually close my eyes and recover from it. Sometimes, things seem so fucking beautiful and I wonder why I'm ever sad; too bad that's the most fleeting feeling I'm capable of.

These realizations always hit me at the oddest times. I'll be sitting at my desk, doing calculus homework as I am now, and I'll write her name. I write it over and over again, almost automatically. And I'll think idly about the future. She once told me that, if she were to have children, she would name one after me... at this point in my thoughts, it occurs to me that it will never happen. It's so far beyond saddening; it's inexplicably surreal. I mean, life in general seems quite surreal... but... I can't believe that I'm still naive enough to sometimes forget... forget what? Forget that it isn't a joke? Maybe. Forget that she really is permanently missing from my life. Forget that we won't grow old together, nor were we given the chance to choose otherwise.

I guess I'm just writing this to remind myself to be thankful. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts, I can easily forget how many people have been here beside me.

I am so lucky to have some of the friends I have; I fear that I can never express that enough, and I'll never be able to return the amount of love that I am given. I love Trina. She tries harder than anyone I know to make my hard times easier; she has always asked if I need anything, ranging from Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs to a hug. We can always siphon each other's thoughts; she's sometimes exasperated by it but I secretly love it. She's such an amazing friend and I don't deserve her, but I'm so glad she's here.

There's also Seth and Erica, who I spent yesterday with. There was this moment, and I knew that I loved them... a toaster strudel commercial came on, and I was about to passionately rant about how disgusting toaster strudels are, how much better poptarts are... and they both agreed. I didn't have to defend my argument. It was really a defining moment for me, as silly as that may seem. In case that didn't sum up how much I love them, I'll address each individually. Seth has become one of my closest friends, and he always has something inspiring and/or enlightening to say. I think he's making me a better person, and I love when I see things and immediately think of him and have to tell him about it (that thought actually goes with Trina, as well). Erica has really brightened my life, too. Although I'm not necessarily a very happy person, she's helped make these past few months bearable, with her PedoBear mask and her squid hat and an ability to almost always make me laugh, or join me in my complaints.

Another friend that can usually make me laugh is Yuko, and she does much, much more than that. She inspires me to keep going. She's such a strong, beautiful person, and I can't help but to admire her more every single day. With her  now comes Jason; I can't even put into words how happy I am that Yuko has found someone that doesn't suck. I can't even be disgusted! I am so glad I know these two, and I am genuinely happy for them. They give me hope, and that's more than I can say about any couple.

Whitney is such an A friend, as well. She is one of few that I could watch movies with for hours and feel like my day was full. I love her so much, and can't wait to spend more time with her in the summer.

 Rachel has also been in my life a lot, too, and I'm glad for that fact. I love killing time with her, eating junk food, just forgetting the world. Sometimes, it's almost easy, and I have her to thank for that, among many others.

Another, more recent, friend that I'm feeling thankful to know would be Alex. She's so adorable, and sweet, and I can't wait to know her more. She made me another mix cd because I was sick, and I've listened to it three or four times. She made a song list and a card to go along with it, and it made me so happy. I'm not sure I've ever known anyone so purposeful and thoughtful, and I need to think of an awesome way to return the happiness she's already given me.

Once I've started this, I feel like I could go on for hours, adding more people and little details to each paragraph but I'll save it for another, less busy, day.

It hurts me so much to see you hurting. Sometimes I wish I could take all the pain and experience it myself. Sometimes, that seems so much easier than watching you, and so many of my friends, endure it...

I just realized how very lonely I am. Makes me feel so old.

I've lost all forms of motivation in the past few days-- or what little amount I had left. I had a fever of 103 yesterday; highest I've had since I was really, really young. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel so vulnerable. At a few points that night, I woke up and did a few things, but I can't remember what was real and what was a dream. My perceptions have become so delicate... or maybe malleable.

Last semester, I think I slid by on autopilot and that's the secret behind my acceptable grades. Now, oddly enough, I feel as though I'm even more in autopilot mode (I'm certainly more depersonalized), yet I'm doing much worse. I'm finding it more and more difficult to focus in lectures, during tests, even conversations with friends. It's not a 'lack of motivation, can't focus' kind of deal... it's a physical problem. My eyes, quite literally, unfocus... and everything becomes background noise. Despite my usual spaciness, I've never had this problem, to this extent. It's becoming unmanageable, and I fear that it will destroy my grades and each of my friendships, one by one.

An old friend called me around 2AM this morning, crying about Melanie. It's not that she's just found out; she went to the funeral with me... she needed someone to talk to, I guess. It was nice, hearing her voice, and talking to her about Melanie. She was crying so much, and... I feel completely numb. I don't think I can cry about it anymore; the fact that I still can't grasp it is somewhat to blame, I'm sure. What concerned me much more, though, is that I could find nothing comforting to say. It seems that so many people look to me for advice and ease... neither of which I have even for myself. I feel useless.

I want so badly to like him. Body says yes, of course, but brain is confused. :c

I think I'm always giving people the wrong impression.

Where have you gone? I used to talk to you every single day and you're suddenly nowhere to be found. I guess this wasn't as sudden as I'd like to think, but... well, I don't really know what to think. Someone told me that you're now technically homeless. I wish I could help, but even if I could, I don't even know how to go about it. Sometimes I reach for my phone to call you, then I hesitate, because I'm sure you don't want to hear from me. I'm unbelievably worried and it'd be nice to just hear that you are okay... or to hear something, anything at all.

Another S.A.D. has been survived. Brownies and candies and cheese ravioli (thank god, not together) helped me through it. Chocolate, in every form, tends to make these things possible. (As for ravioli... well, can't you just accept that it's delicious?) And now... I snow dance, because I desperately wish to be rid of Calculus tomorrow. Also, I'm in dire need of a sledding adventure.

February 13th. Today, she would have been nineteen years old. Today, she would have bragged about how she's 3-and-some months older than me. Today, she would have partied all day... and then she would have come home to tell me all about it; I would have laughed as she told me the high points--no pun intended. Today, her mother and her father would have given her a cake, probably a cookie cake. Today, they would have sang to her, she would have smiled her beautiful smile and enjoyed her last birthday before twenty. Today, her brother would have looked up to her and imagined what it will be like when he, too, is nineteen years old. Today, she would have danced with her cats and possibly caught it on web cam for me to giggle at. Today would have been just another birthday.

Today, and every day, I'm going to brood on what the world has lost... what I have truly lost.... in losing an 18-year-old Melanie, a 19-year-old Melanie, a 20-year-old Melanie, an every-age Melanie...: More than can be expressed in a stupid, unknown blog, this much is certain...

"Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don't bother concealing your thievery- celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: 'It's not where you take things from- it's where you take them to.'"

- Jim Jarmusch

This is an idea that I've expressed to my closest friends for years now, but I obviously didn't word it so eloquently. (Also, quote within a quote = win.) I think this is what originality is all about... absolutely nothing. Somehow, it's comforting to me. No matter what each of us does in our life time, someone else did something very similar, or at least thought about it. Collective consciousness? Sometimes, I think so.

Dear Internet, it's sad but true: Facebook encourages stalking. It's not so much "encouragement" as it is pressure, really. So many people are like... books that I've been meaning to pick up. I'm afraid that they're much cooler only from the outside or in summarized form... and I'm afraid they'll find the same of me. I over-think these things, I'm sure. Note, also, that I don't want to seem like a creeper, and add people that I've recently met (but seem completely intriguing)... but in trying to avoid looking like a creeper, I become a true creeper. I think it might be murdering what little social capabilities I have left in me.

Snow days make me feel like a youngin' again... and they make my neighborhood look much less trashy.

I complain more and more with every day. I wish that this entry could be one of redemption--perhaps an apology for said complaints, a realization that I'm living a life undeserving of complaints, a new, positive outlook on life, etc. That'd be nice, eh? s'too bad. I feel like I've lost the ability to find the good in anything, my life included. I'm just as miserable as I was five months ago and I don't see change on its way. I'm sure that it's "in my hands" and all that jolly, simple shit... but most of the time, I want nothing more than to crawl in a hole and make it my home until I die.

I've had my eye on this guy for a couple months now. I had a class with him last semester, and I wanted to get to know him. I made a bit of small talk with him on a few occasions, but never managed to even introduce myself. Now, I have no classes with him, and seldom run into him--when I do, it's only in passing. I feel like such an ass.

Every time I feel even the slightest inkling of happiness... I remember. Am I ever going to feel happy again? ...Feel anything at all?

I studied physics for nearly four hours and I feel as though I absorbed nothing, postponing the rest of my work as I did so. Tomorrow will be a blast. :c

My cat just laid upon my open physics book. Does this mean I don't need to start studying for that exam on Wednesday? I think so.

I really am glimpsing hope for the first time in a while and I don't want to scare it off, but I have to admit... I still feel as though I'm being avoided. I understand that things change, that people change.. Why did it have to happen so quickly?

My newest endeavor is to read everything by Richard Matheson that I can get my hands on. I have no idea why I haven't done this sooner.

I'm feeling pretty incompetent today... and one of my friends, albeit not a close one, has stopped speaking to me because I'm insecure. Lolthanks.
In other news, some guys are so adorable it should be illegal. Want.

A new friend of mine made me a mix cd, and... as sad as it may seem, it made me so happy. I've been feeling out-of-this-world needy, and to know that someone thought of me long enough to wonder what music I would like to listen to... I don't know, it's extremely simple, but so, so refreshing. Yay for new friends. :)

I need to stop spending so much time alone. When I'm surrounded by people, I feel I should act like I'm alright, which can be exhausting... but, faking it is so much easier than facing myself.

I am always hoping to hear from you...

I feel miserable. Finally, physical and emotional pain match up. I want to whine and have someone to pet my hair and rub my back until I fall asleep forever.
To be irrelevant, I think Anakin Skywalker is probably the most tragic modern character I can think of. For some reason, I really identify with him. That can't be good, haha.

God damn you, blood pressure machines at Kroger. I'm obsessively checking my blood pressure now. It was better tonight, but still 140/97. I don't know much about blood pressure, but the machine tells me this is bad.

On another note, I saw "The Lovely Bones." It's a pretty film, but I cried through the majority of it, because the situation reminded me of her. I wonder what death is like.

A traumatizing doctor appointment, that was. I've felt nauseous for a few months now. I'm full after three bites of something, and I love food. I've lost 20 pounds in less than 6 months. I don't even want to lose weight. Apparently, I also now have high blood pressure. My doctor did some blood work, questioned me to India and back, and then pointed out that I was shaking. She asked if something else was bothering me--if I wanted to be prescribed some kind of anxiety medication. I started to bawl. I couldn't control myself. She suffered for the last few minutes (hours?) of her life, and I can be put on medication, I can so easily get rid of the pain? I'm not sure I understand why, or if this is even the right word, but I feel guilty.

I guess we're just strangers now...? What the fuck. I feel lower than shit.

I miss you. I hate that. I don't know what to think anymore.

I have so much to do... and such a small amount of motivation. Sleep sounds nice. Always alone, though. I'm no longer happy, just being by myself...

This has been such a shitty day. I wish I had someone to cry on.

I can't think of one reason to get up in the morning anymore. Absolutely nothing comes to mind. And that, sadly enough, is all I have to say.

I feel empty. When I laugh, I'm not laughing... not really. When I cry, I'm not crying. Even as I'm typing this, I know it means nothing. I used to hate seeing a blog consisting only of confessions of depression. I'm now the one posting that shit that everyone hates. I hope no one reads it.

I don't know how much longer I can stand these mood swings of mine. I don't suppose they're really mood swings, it's just that... nothing is consistent in my life. My relationships are inconsistent (and for the most part, sustained only by myself)--family, especially. Schedule is inconsistent. Nothing (and no one) in my life seems as though it's here to stay, and I feel completely alone. Even thinking something like that, I feel selfish; a few of my closest friends, it seems, have been depressed lately. I wish I could help them, but it would appear that I can't even help myself.
It's snowing today, first real snow of the season; I played in it, and felt younger. I hate this. I'm only eighteen... I'm too young to feel so old. I feel almost completely worn down. There are a few feeble threads holding me together, and they're bound to give in any day now.

It's good to be back in classes again. I need the distraction in my life... something productive to worry about. I guess I like maths and sciences so much because I can hide myself in them. They're so literal, they're not quite real. Makes no sense, I suppose. I need a hobby. I realized I have none, and that's pathetic.
 I feel like I'm drifting away from the people I love most. I always manage to do that in the end, guess that's no surprise. I was actually stupid enough to think things were getting better. Time to bury myself in physics. Emotions don't exist in physics.

I feel so rejected... and unprepared. The two feelings are entirely unrelated, but nonetheless troubling.