The end of another year... weird. As I get older, one year is a smaller fraction of my life; so each year seems shorter than the last. Time's funny like that, I guess.

I had a fantastic day. I hope this means that 2012 is going to be fantastic, too.

Feels nice to have a date scheduled in the near future.

Every time I'm shown the slightest bit of attention (and these times are far and few, mind you), it seems that each bit of sanity I possess just leaks from me. Who is this neurotic, clingy infant? That couldn't be me, could it?

I attended my first ugly Christmas sweater party last night. I adorned myself with a horrible turtleneck and Christmas sweater vest, as well as battery-operated multicolored Christmas lights; they twinkled. I tried hooch, and it's not as disgusting as it sounds. I met a lot of cool people. I babysat an inebriated, newly 21-year-old Rachel. I was asked for my number, and gave it.

Yeah, I'd say it was a pretty cool night.

Spring Break. Europe.

This just might happen.

Yesterday, while driving to work (which is something I don't often do; I usually take the bus), it was extremely foggy. The fog was so dense, I could only see one car in front of me-- if I was lucky. But there's something beautiful and mysterious about fog, albeit dangerous to drive in. It shrouds the things we're so used to seeing.

I was nearing work, passing the 22nd street on-ramp on I-64E when the sun came into view. Obstructed by the fog, it appeared to be flattened. It looked two dimensional, dimmed. Not five seconds later, the fog had completely cleared, and there stood the city, shining in brilliant shades of pink, orange, and yellow. It was the most gorgeous view of Louisville's skyline I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. I couldn't keep the "wow" from falling out of my mouth. It filled me with this feeling that I can't place-- is it nostalgia? For something so fantastic and unlike any sunrise I've ever seen, that wouldn't make much sense... but I could swear that's what it was.

I'm having trouble placing a lot of feelings lately. I thought I knew what I wanted, but as I'm closing in on the end of the year and the time I should have this decision made, I'm having doubts.

More often than not, I feel like engineering school is making me dumber. I fear that this co-op has been especially contributory to this feeling. I'm finding it more and more difficult to focus, even on the simplest things. How can I stop this?

Why isn't one's contribution to the advancement of society positively, linearly proportional to one's salary? It's really upsetting to know that Rick Pitino makes over two million a year, while a teacher is lucky to break $40,000. As far as corporate giants go... need anything be said? Does this not seem the slightest bit twisted to anyone else?

The next time you consider insulting someone because they like such-and-such music, remember this: music has the power to take us back to where ever we were when we first heard that song, or that band, or that album. It is full of meaning on its own already, but connects so well with memories and old frames of thinking. Without "Christie Road," or Insomniac, or Nimrod, my memories of Melanie would be slipping away far more quickly than they already are. And no matter what, even if I forget her face and her voice and most things about her, the second I hear "The Grouch" or "Platypus," I remember her laugh. Her smile. The feeling of acceptance.

Just remember, even the insults you think are lighthearted can sting. Try to be mindful of that, and I will, too.

I've had a lovely day. There's a new monthly event downtown, called the Flea off Market. I went there with Alex; we enjoyed a lot of great food, awesome company, and explored a lot of vendors. It was really neat! I like Alex time. :)

It really upsets me when people accept responsibilities they cannot uphold. Why would anyone agree to do something time-consuming when it's clearly not of priority to them? I'll never understand.

The process of realizing I've actually already done something that I previously thought I had forgotten to do:

1. Freak out (i.e., "Crap! Why didn't I do ___? I really should have. I'm so dumb.").
2. Investigate later, and find that I've already done it (i.e., "Wtf, it's already done. I worried for no reason. Yay!"); be pleasantly surprised.
3. Be extremely unsettled by my utter lack of memory retainment (i.e., if you want something from me, you better count on reminding me a lot)

I know that I'm far from being an optimist, and this post will probably be full of hypocrisy... but why not? This is something that's been bothering me for years and perhaps seeing it all written out will inspire me to change more, too.

I hate seeing people project negativity, particularly through sweeping generalizations about the state of the world or the decline of humanity. Posting thoughts on social networks about "losing faith in humanity" is especially unproductive. I agree that the world is pretty fucked up in plenty of respects, but nothing is perfect. We might be shitty, but we're still so young! There's still so much room for growth, so I don't know why people give up so easily.

Furthermore, each of us has the ability and the duty to improve this place we call home. So many people seem to have this mindset of, "I'm only one person; I can't possibly make a difference." That's just stupid. It's this mentality that could really destroy us-- not the declining health of the environment, not the uneven distribution of wealth, not hunger, not nuclear warfare, but the idea that one person can do nothing to help. Sure, one person might not be able to stop global warming alone. One person might not be able to discontinue all wrongs in the world. But, one drop of rain can work with many to turn a weak stream into a raging river in a matter of minutes.

If each of us just focused on a single task that was helpful to a few people-- just one task-- so much more could be accomplished! Let's say about 75% of the world's population is over 14 years of age, and about 10% of people suffer from mental illnesses (I'd say that leaves plenty of room for error); that still leaves 65% of the world's population-- or approximately 4,550,000,000 people-- to make a difference. 4.5 billion is a big number, and to say that that's an understatement would be an insult to your intelligence. It's such a big number, it's difficult to imagine or conceptualize it at all.

That alone should give many people at least a little hope. Yes, there are plenty of those people that have horrible intentions, or maybe don't have the mental capacity to do much more than support themselves. There are plenty of other statistics that could be turned against me in this argument. But everyone has the capacity to do at least a little good.

Overheard someone say, "Now, I don't wanna see you without a cocktail in your hand for the next three days." Alcoholism: good, friendly advice.

Another person told me that I have a "way with words." Just a couple weeks ago, two different people called me witty. These are by far the best compliments I've received in years. At least, they've been my favorite. Keep 'em comin', folks, and I'll try to keep up the good work, haha.

Sometimes, it takes an awful person or situation to remind us of the important things. Although these occurrences can be awkward, nearing painful, it's good that they happen. They keep our character in check. Tonight, I've been reminded to avoid being bitter, demeaning, and selfish. I've been reminded that there's a time and a place to say certain things; some of our thoughts can be extremely insulting once they're out in the open. I've been reminded to give everything a chance, and to stay adventurous and curious.

With many situations like this one, good things come, too. A company I'm interested in working with actually corresponded with me (via written note)! At the last ASCE meeting, representatives from this company presented, and after their presentation I spoke with one of them. About the future, her profession, my interests in that company. She told me to email her my resume, so I did. I didn't expect anything, but I think I might have gained a friend out of it all. Also, she passed my resume on, and the woman who received it sent me a letter and more information about the company, warmly letting me know that there were no current opportunities, but that I'm welcome to stay in contact and that she'll let me know if anything changes. Sure, it's not an interview; it's not a job offer. But it's more than any company has ever done for me. She treated me like a human being. And now I want to work for this company all the more.

I get upset from the silliest things.

If I always know it's so silly, why do I let it upset me? Why am I brooding even now? I guess because I'm sick of being alone.

I'm so happy for Deidre and Steven Muncy. They are one of the only couples that have ever made sense to me. They've been together for 6 of the 9 years I've known Deidre; I'm happy to call both of them a friend. I admire them because they're together for all the right reasons, which isn't something that can be said for a lot of couples. It's not awkward or third-wheelish hanging out with the both of them, because they're like two halves of a whole, and they make each other better: more confident, more comfortable. They've each opened up so much more, the longer they've been together. I feel like I've watched them blossom and grow so much, and it's easy to see how they've helped one another grow and continue to do so. I feel so honored to have been a part of their big day. <3

I might be more nervous than she is... and that thought makes me even more anxious. Haha.

If you are not very careful, your possessions will possess you.

I dreamed that I transferred out of engineering school to an entirely different major. It was both a dream and a nightmare. I thought of all the effort and sleepless nights I had put into calculus and physics and everything, and it was an awful, regretful feeling. But I felt hope about the new major.

I wonder what it was.

It seems like there's no one I can rely on. I feel very much alone.

I wish I could erase you.

What a strange, beautiful day. Lunch with Kishan and Craig, visiting Yuko, and hangouts with Tanner. I like days like this. Full of interaction.

Additionally, Kishan, Craig and I went to a palm reader... whether or not she had true talents, no one can be sure. But she really was spot on about some of my traits. She said that I worry a lot; sometimes about things that I should worry about, sometimes about things I shouldn't. That I've created a personality and run with it; I've been doing this so long that I'm not sure who I really am. She also said some off-the-wall (but not totally unappealing) things about me working with children in the future, love finding me when I'm not looking for it, marrying a man in the military, having three children with him, and raising them on the beach. "Blue waters and warm sands," she said. Not too shabby for a fictional future, huh?

Mixed signals.

I would say, "Not cool." But I probably do the same thing... I'm inept at having normal relationships.

Open bars are not your friend.

I made it through September. We made it through September.

I'm so glad the worst month is through.

Just ran into Mr. Braun while I was on lunch. Seriously made my day. He is amazing, and I miss him. Wonderful teacher and wonderful person. Can the world have more people like him, please?

Also, discovered r/frisson today. Oh. My. God. Heaven on internet, right there.

I. Am. Losing. Everything. It's the most frustrating thing, to be unable to remember where you've placed something. I feel like I'm already senile.

I really want some sort of charming coffee cup. Preferably one with the TARDIS on it, or somehow whimsical in appearance.

Random thought of the day.

Wow, haha. You're even worse at consoling people than I am. I didn't think it possible.

A very general to-do list:

1. Write a list while I should be studying for history exam.

2. Whine to Jason about all the things I should be doing.

3. Study for history exam.

4. Prepare for EWB meeting on Thursday (i.e., research international trips, grants, figure out how to use the UofL website system {which is a POS, mind you}, write a budget with Rachel, figure out how to announce these things in a way that won't bore the newcomers to death, somehow keep them coming to meetings).

5. Start thinking about what I'm going to say at Deidre's wedding, and what I'm going to wear with this dress... and start planning her bachelorette shindig. It's only a few weeks away!

6. Finish this frakkin' book. It should not take me this long to read it.

7. Watch tonight's episode of Doctor Who (Yes. It's important.)

8. Watch the netflix movie that has been sitting on my t.v. stand for well over a month now.

9. Spend time with Trina tonight.

WHERE DOES A NAP FIT IN ALL THIS?

I wish I could turn off my brain and get some sleep. But my head keeps rolling through "the list." This and that for EWB, that and this for work, such and such for ASCE, that for class, this for Phi Rho, and something regarding what little sliver of a social life I have left.

I guess that's one way to make September fly by...

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go--

Free time? What's that?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, etc.

I had a dream about Melanie last night. It was vivid... surprisingly vivid. Not only did it look like her, but it felt like her. Smelled like her.

I don't know how I feel about it.

What are the chances that the planetarium would have Green Day laser shows only in September...?

I miss you.

401st post on here... strange. Why do I still use blogger? /shrug.

Went to WorldFest today with Whitney, and ate a lot of amazing food. Tried something new: sambusas. I'd love to try to make them sometime. They're delicious. :3

Hm. To be flattered, or creeped out? I'm leaning more towards flattered.

I'm so, so tired. I can't ever get more than 6 hours of sleep before work. But it seems like every day, I'm meeting at least one new person, or running in to people I haven't seen in years. New friends, old friends... It's refreshing. It's what's keeping me going right now. Keep it comin', world.

Strange night. Went to a toga party; I can honestly say that's the most college-y thing I've done yet.

Amazing, the fact that the mere sight of you is like rubbing salt into a wound I thought was long ago healed. Even more amazing is that you have no idea. You have no idea how disposable you made me feel. I thought I was over it, but I'm not. I'm not over it because it keeps happening.

I wish I were more fashionable.

Such a great ending to an awfully short summer break! Ben, Christen, and I went up to Michigan this weekend to visit Michele at her new apartment in St. Joseph, and it's right on Lake Michigan. It's such a beautiful town, and it was lovely to be at the beach again. The Great Lakes really are gorgeous. While we were up there, we met up with Scott and Sarah; it was so awesome to see them again. Five of the eight friends from the Guatemala trip reunited, haha. Lots of beach going, drinking, sand volleyball, wine tasting, good eats, and wonderful company. I didn't want to leave this afternoon, but I'm super glad I went. Each of those people makes me smile more than they know, and I'm so lucky to have met any of them. <3

Good, good day with my mom and aunt. A little bit of Cincinnati exploration. We went to Terry's Turf Club, which is a bit of a dive with great [gargantuan] burgers. Went to Jungle Jim's international market, too; I really love that place. On the way home, we went to one of my favorite chicken places, too: Cooper's, in Carrollton. Rawr, so much food. Time to be lazy.

Yesterday was great; it was just one of those days that held no plans at the beginning, but ended up being awesome nonetheless. I tried (and failed) to help Amy win the Genesis Diamond Dash, haha. That was fun despite our losing- it was like a scavenger hunt around downtown Louisville. On the way home, Deidre called and I ended up hanging out with her, Steven, and Devin for the rest of the day. Among many things, we ended up playing RapStar... which is ridiculously fun, needless to say.

Such a silly, unexpectedly fun day. I need more of those.

What an awesome past few days it's been. Cedar Point was fantastic (-ly sweaty), and we met some cool people along the way.

On another note, I have this awful tendency of liking guys with girlfriends. I find out that he's taken, and I'm all the more likely to crush. Is it that knowledge that I can't have him that keeps me interested? "He" isn't anyone specific... not really. I do this a lot, and it's kind of a problem.

I just got home from the trip to Appalachia with Hand in Hand. It was really enlightening. I've heard a great deal about Eastern Kentucky, and how it's often compared to third world countries... but to see it firsthand... It was truly surreal. I'm very happy to have been able to help out, despite however small a difference we made.

Getting some rest tonight, and then I'm back on the road tomorrow morning. To Cedar Point we go. Weee!

Battlestar Galactica, why you so addictive?

I love hanging out with Alex. She makes me smile, and so do her family, and so do her cats. And Indian buffets sure don't hurt. :3

Wow. What? You're twenty years old. You've been "dating" on and off for a year. You're inviting me to your wedding?

Holy shit on a stick. I used to think you were different...

Officially done with the summer semester, as of 4PM yesterday. It's nice to have no obligations, despite how short lived that will be. I just got home from having lunch with Ben and Russ, and that was great. I've missed them.

Okay, back to no-obligations Thursday! It will most likely consist of the Big Bang Theory and Battlestar Galactica. Yeah, I'm that cool.

Finals tomorrow and Wednesday. I can do this. All I need is an 80 and an 85, respectively, and I'll make all A's this semester. I can DO THIS. So many things to look forward to afterward! Drive-in with Whitney and Rachel, lunch with Alex, Hand in Hand trip to Appalachia, Cedar Point, skydiving, Michigan, back to work. This is going to be an amazing summer, squeezed into a few weeks, but amazing no less.

When you throw fits like that, I can't help but think of you as a child. That's definitely what you acted like today. I wish I were patient enough to have stuck around... but I'm not. Not even close.

I've been looking on CouchSurfing.org a lot lately. I hope I can talk my brother into doing that. :3 We could meet so many interesting people.

This is me, confessing my love for Scott. He is wonderful, and just made my night. :)

Well, looks like I have an unexpected traveling partner for a trip to Australia and New Zealand: my brother. We're looking at going sometime next summer.

I'm so pumped. Let the planning begin.

Shakespeare said, "Listen to many, speak to a few." I'm trying to make this my mantra right now. I'm trying.

But I feel so unhelpful.

Finally, I will have music in my life again.

I desperately want to go to New Zealand and Australia.

I need a traveling buddy.

What an excellent day! I managed to get up before 11 on a Saturday (which has seemed awfully difficult to me, as of late). I went to the park with Yuko, Sage, and Alex, after having lunch with them. Tie dyed t-shirts with Alex and Yuko. Played with Sage. Went to the peddler's mall with Alex, and then had dinner with her family. Stayed over there for a while, talking with her and her parents. I really like them a lot, and they're so welcoming.

All in all, it's been a wonderful, full day. Settling in for the night with Doctor Who. I adore Matt Smith as the Doctor.

What the fuck? Why do I pay for health insurance if I'm to be charged over $600 for a simple blood allergy test that the doctor insisted on me taking? I'm grateful for an easy access to healthcare, but I'm very much considering never visiting a doctor again, unless it's a life-or-death situation.

Haha, and I was doing so well, holding back my minor complaints. Now I feel super angst-y.

I've been feeling really down again lately. I don't know what reignited this feeling, but it's back. I try to ignore it by focusing on other things; often times, my mood is improved if I distract myself with plans.

So I've been planning which tattoo I'd like to get first, for Melanie. A few days ago I decided on Spike and Bunny, haha. I was looking through old letters from Melanie, for ideas or drawings to use, and I found one from August of 2006. It was written not long after she had first moved up to West Virginia. In this letter, she told me that I'm the best friend she ever had. She said that she'd move back down here to Louisville as soon as she could, that we'd get an apartment together and get matching tattoos and, eventually, she'd name her kid after me.

Ouch.

I'm being the exact person that I contradicted him for being. I need to suck it up and stop being a hypocrite.

I'm glad that you are happy; it makes me happy to see you happy. But it also reminds me of how unhappy I am, haha. The old paradox. Forever alone. ._. Whine.

Soooo difficult to look at just one post on tumblr.

Scott posted "I miss you" on my wall. I feel loved. :) But I miss him, too. His happiness and adventurousness are so contagious.

I talked about Melanie for the first time in... well, I don't remember the last time. I suppose I shouldn't say I talked about her, but what happened to her. I suppose I talk about her all the time. But it was so strange to describe the... event... to someone, all over again. By the end of it, I was shaking as if it'd happened just yesterday.

Some feelings simply don't fade. It's a shame that it's the bad ones that are easier to hold onto.

I'm feeling her slip further and further away, even still.

Melanie and I used to write comic books, following the adventures of an ill-proportioned tyrannosaurus rex and a rabbit (creatively titled "Spike and Bunny").

I'm going to get a tattoo of them. Why didn't I think of this sooner?

If you don't have any feelings for me at all... why do you make every effort to talk to me? Why did you make every effort to include me that week? Certainly that's what friends do, but you didn't do that for the others. You didn't do that for your own cousin. Why do you share your favorite things with me (music, books, articles, etc.)?

It could be wishful thinking, sure, but I just can't shake the feeling that there's something more.

Even while you're holding her hand.

I'm so bored in every way imaginable right now: intellectually, socially, and otherwise. I need to meet new people, and do new things.

I wonder if I'm attracted to this guy just because I know what he's been through. Strange to think about it. Anyway, I've missed Deidre. I need to spend more time with her.

Wow. I cannot help but feel that you're just gloating about it. Thanks. Really. It's evident that you didn't listen to a word I said last time we spoke.

--

I feel like you're erasing me from your life. When was the last time we hung out? Just us? I feel so unwanted.

There are many words around the world that cannot be directly attributed to a simple English equivalent. Words like schadenfreude, etc. I just stumbled upon one I hadn't heard of before: saudade.

A translation provided by the ever wonderful Wikipedia: a somewhat melancholic feeling of incompleteness. It is related to think back situations of privation due to the absence of someone or something, to move away from a place or thing, or to the absence of a set of particular and desirable experiencies and pleasures once lived.

This is it. This is the feeling I can't shake.

I'm tempted to take the next plane to Lansing.

You tempt me. :3

You don't make a bit of sense sometimes... but at least you know. At least my bluntness wasn't in vain. I'm glad that you're going to try to be better.

Finally got through my week of hell. Hopefully got some decent grades to show for it...? Maybe?

At least it is a long weekend now. :3

I miss you. Come baaaaaack. :(

Last week was so crazy and full of life in comparison to this week. I want to curl up and have a Harry Potter marathon and too much sleep. Here's to finishing up this structural analysis homework, and preparing for that communications presentation, instead!

I don't think you have any idea as to how much you brighten my life, as well as the lives of others. I've only known you for a few months, but I feel as if I've known you for years. You've made such an impact on me already. It's amazing how quickly a trip can bring people together- but, I suppose you, of all people, would know that.

Your adventurousness and childlike sense of curiosity inspire me. I love that you make every effort to get me out of my comfort zone. Even more amazing to me is that you're so insightful! You have the energy of a child, but the soul of a wise man. I don't know how you do it.

You truly, in every sense of the word, amaze me.

Watching you get on that bus... well, it sucked, to say the least. So until the next time, I'll keep my thoughts on all of these silly, fun, profound, and assorted drunken memories you left here, instead. Louisville couldn't handle you full-time just yet, anyway, you crazy animal.

"Never Let Me Go" hit me so much harder the second time around. As I often do while watching romantic movies, I put myself into this selfish bubble, overflowing with the feeling of "I will never know a love like that." And it's sad, it really is, that I envy a life as horrid as that, but I do... I really do. I feel like I will never love. I feel like I can't.

I want to...
- Explore the state I live in. I feel like there are so many things I overlook.
- Start a blog for new food Fridays with Trina.
- Go west. See the giant sequoias and the Grand Canyon and rainy beaches. See something different.
- Go skydiving.
- Get a bike, and ride it often.
- Make more of an effort to look decent.
- Learn to play the piano, or pick up the flute again-- or both.
- Find an apartment and a roommate, or find a way to live alone comfortably.
- Be a runner (not just go running occasionally, like I do now).
- Expand EWB at U of L: get more people interested and informed, find more service opportunities, and plan our next trip.

I like lists; they give me purpose.

I keep having dreams that I'm walking on the beach with shoes on. I can smell the ocean, hear the waves, but I can't bring myself to look up from my shoes. My shoes, sinking in the sand, slowly filling up with it. My shoes, impossible to remove.

This dream is stressing me out.

Home.

And, just as predicted, I miss the beach already.

Etched into the wall of a bathroom near Mobile, Alabama: "KKK". Beneath it, "Ignorance is bliss."

APPROVAL.

It's so, so hard to say good-bye to the beach. I walked along it this evening, knowing that it will be quite some time before I see it again... and as crazy as it sounds, it was just as difficult as parting with a close friend. I love it just as much as a close friend, haha. The sand, the shells, the open sky, the way the horizon blends into the ocean... the feeling of being completely insignificant while viewing it, smelling it, feeling it on your skin, in your hair. Feels infinite.

It's a feeling unlike any other. I'm easily attached to people and places, and I suppose this is no exception, but... I want so badly to live near the ocean someday.

I just saw the most beautiful family at the grocery store. Two young parents, a little boy, and a baby girl. The father was absolutely gorgeous (not that the rest of them weren't)... it seriously hurt me to see them walk away. Anyone else ever miss someone they've never met?

Facebook has this new-ish feature in chat... it shows chat history for like... forever. And I accidentally opened a chat with you; it dated back to last June, when you had asked me out. It's like the wound is completely fresh. It feels like I've done so little since then.

On a (literally) brighter note, I'm leaving for Florida tonight. Cheap vacation time. Holler.

Friday cannot come quickly enough.

You are a good friend to have; I'm lucky to know you.

What choice of words will take me back to you?

Lazy, isolated Saturday night.

I suppose I owe it to myself.

I wonder if we could ever make things work. It's one thing to start a relationship, and then move apart; but, to begin everything apart? I don't know. But I'm exploring the possibility of it, nonetheless. I wonder if you think about it at all.

"It's so looooouuuud inside my head, with words that I shouuuld have saaaaid"

More like that song is so loud inside my head.

Today wasn't all bad. Boring boring boring, oh hey, old friend! It was cool to ease back into conversation (and many tangents) with him. Definite fun.

Wow. What an eventful day, and what a mixture of emotions. Excitement, fear, stress, pride, WHAT IS GOING ON?

Looks like I'm going to be a maid of honor, though. I hope I can be a good one. :)

One of my coworkers just announced that his wife is expecting. I've had friends tell me that they're pregnant-- family members, even... but often times, it's been unplanned. There was something so pleasant, so exciting, about hearing it in the form of truly happy words. I'm so excited for him. He will be a great dad. :)

It's funny to flirt with you, just to see how you react. Am I a bad person? Possibly. But I am definitely keeping myself entertained.

Beauty: that quiet, still feeling before the storm. That smell... you can smell the rain long before it hits the ground. Nothing like turning up the music and rolling down the windows, and driving through that warm air. Absolutely nothing like it.

Today wasn't half bad, considering how little sleep I got last night (i.e., none). Hopefully that means I will sleep tonight? PLEASE? I haven't actually slept for longer than an hour interval since Friday. So... yeah. Sleep would be nice.

Otherwise, I am excited about the prospects of EWB. We are few, but we are dedicated. Hopefully we can get some other people dedicated, too.

It seems that, these days, I'm only happy when I'm planning things. I'm excited about the change of schedule in my near future.

And as usual, I am not sleepy when I should be. Wide awake right now. Won't be once I'm at work tomorrow, after my (if I'm lucky) 6 hours of sleep.

So it goes.

Some nights, when I'm really bored and lonely, I take more Excedrin PM and Melatonin than I normally would, and stay up until I can no longer hold my eyelids open.

It was really difficult to get out of bed today. Dreams >> reality, right now.

My problem is that liking someone distracted me from the feelings that have been bogging me down for months now. I know this. As nice as the distraction was, I need a substitution; I can't like a person that has no interest in me. I hope that going back to classes in a few weeks will serve me well- well enough to keep going. Until then... I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Time is dragging so, so slowly. Some days are better than others. Some days are great, even.

Today isn't feeling like one of those days.

"Blue lips, blue veins. Blue, the color of our planet from far, far away."

ALEX, I CAN'T GET THIS SONG OUT OF MY HEAD. It's so beautiful. And it really sums up how I feel about humanity and religion, and life and death, I think. It's just... SO PRETTY.

I could have sworn... Oh well. I was wrong.

I'll be okay. How do I get over something that never happened? Feeling a little delusional, but I suppose that will fade. I hope.

I want you. And I want you to know.

Today has been such a gorgeous day. It's really starting to look like spring. I always forget how much I love to see everything in bloom until it happens all over again... and that's the best part. It happens all over again, just when I've forgotten its beauty.

I keep thinking of little things I could do that might make you happy. Is that weird? I hope that one day, I'll be able to do some of those things, and maybe make you smile.

And... wow. The way things can turn around with just a few words. I've been told some unsettling news about my aunt... I really, really hope nothing is wrong. I can't let the bad things define my day. She'll be just fine.

Let this be our little secret...
No one needs to know we're feeling
higher and higher and higher.

What a beautiful, beautiful day it has been. Perfect day for driving. The wind was soft and warm, and it almost smelled like summer. I love the brisk, refreshing taste of winter air (not unlike a cool glass of water), but there truly isn't anything like a gulp of spring air.

I have a feeling of purpose and I hope that I follow through. But with determination comes insomnia, I'm afraid. I NEED TO GET SLEEPY.

I wish I had some idea of what you're thinking. Maybe the idea hasn't crossed your mind even once.

"Tough times don't last the way tough people do."

I need to keep that in mind.

Something beautiful: seeing the shadow of a plane hit the ground, or the tops of buildings in the city. Gets me every time.

... could it be? Oh, this shall be an excellent weekend.

"Why do you have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you.
Must you make me laugh so much?
It's bad enough we get along so well;
say goodnight and go."

Tomorrow is going to be good. :3 I hope. I'm excited to see everyone again.

The Really Really Free Market was great. It was really neat to see people happy to give away their things and expect nothing in return, and it was much calmer than expected. Everyone is so much friendlier the highlands, anyway. I hope this happens more often.

Last night was superb, in an unexpected way. A good friend of mine was drunk and talking to me, which is always very interesting to me. I think people are so real when they're drunk, just as people are so real when they're crying or when they've been rejected. There are simply times when people show a side that is not often shown, but is very much them.

Before I die, I want to learn to play the piano, and I want to pick up my flute again and play as well as I used to. I want to learn sign language, both ASL and in Spanish, to be able to talk to Elvira if I go back to Guatemala. I want to bike for over twenty miles. I want to learn either German, or French, or a little bit of both, so I can study abroad during my senior year and not have issues communicating. I want to do each of these things just as much as the other.... and it makes me wish that I had more time in each day.

Whenever I'm trying to get motivated, I always think of that RAtM lyric, "It has to start somewhere; it has to start some time. What better place than here? What better time than now?" I think we're so stuck on the idea of bucket lists and resolutions, we're constantly postponing our goals and the things we truly want to do. I hope that I can make myself step out of that pattern.

I accidentally slept for over ten hours. This is my body telling me that I need to get more sleep during the week. And this is me saying "HOWWWWWW?"

I just had the most profound conversation with Scott, one of the WSU guys I met on the trip. He gives wonderful advice- advice I intend to apply. I feel very lucky to have met him.

No matter how forgetful I am, there are some things I know I'll remember. Names, and perhaps even the faces that go with them will fade, but these feelings will not.

I won't forget the way the water felt as it first hit my skin. The way the moon hid behind the clouds that night. When he drunkenly told me I should be in a band. How easy it was to tell her about him. How rejected I felt when I saw him holding his glass up, at a toast to something or other, but how praised I felt when he wanted to take me alone. The way he accepted the silly things I told him (like, when I'm flying at night, I try to pretend that the ground is the sky, and the sky is the ground). The way she held her arms up, silently asking me to hold her; how she wanted to put her lip gloss on me. Her blonde hair-- the way it stood out in a sea of black-- and the way she cried. How natural it felt to tell him about her while we listened to Green Day... and how he didn't look at me differently afterward. How serene, how untouched the mountains looked against the clouds, and how quickly I felt at home.

It's these feelings that keep the experience real, and I can't forget them. I won't.

I wish you weren't so oblivious. I know that you're a busy man, but I'm desperately trying to show you... what? Who knows.

Why didn't we hang out sooner? Really? I'm having the hardest time coming up with any reason at all. I think you're pretty awesome.

Reunion with my favorite three next week! I'm so excited to see them all again. :) I might have trouble sleeping now, haha.

I'm becoming more and more shameless. Thus, I can easily confess to the world that I am an avid facebook stalker. People fascinate me. It starts with one person... someone I know fairly well; before I know it, I'm looking at my friend's friend's coworker's girlfriend's photos. And I enjoy every second of it.

In addition, a quote I've found while perusing. Perhaps I've read it before.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

- Aristotle

Good day was good. EWB Meeting turn out was slightly better than usual... truly excited about the potential with it. It was nice to see Russ, Michele and Ben again; we really all need regularly scheduled fun times with each other. Else, I'm not sure I'll be able to fully function for much longer. :p

I'm also excited about the potential with Phi Sigma Rho. I never, never thought that I would want to join a sorority... but this feels different. More importantly, it feels right. As I've said, I never would have guessed that it would be something I would actively pursue. However, what I've been doing obviously isn't making me as happy as I should be. I am more than ready for new things, new people, new activities, new surroundings, new experiences. If this is what gets me those things, while also maintaining philanthropic qualities, then I see no disadvantages. I am, in every sense, excited about the possibilities.

That old equation of unattainability: we always want what we can't have. And I find this in my life far, far too often.

Hm. It's been an eventful week and weekend... did some things I thought I wouldn't do. Planning some things I thought I would never plan. I keep surprising myself lately, and I think I like what I see.

Last night, I dreamt that we never left Guatemala, but they did. We got to know each other better, you and I. We sang some more. (I keep thinking about that song, haha; we really would make great pets. I wonder if you enjoyed that even half as much as I did.)

Down there, nothing from our past really mattered-- not much, anyway. It felt like starting over. I wonder what you think of me, or what any of them thought. What did the locals think? Especially the women we saw every day at the nutrition center. It's so weird to consider; it didn't really cross my mind when we were down there, but now that we're not... I can't get the thought out of my head. When you're in an unfamiliar place, it's so much easier to get out of your own head and focus on your surroundings, or on others, instead.

Tuesday afternoon, I left work and went to the Belvedere to read my book (David Sedaris's "When You Are Engulfed in Flames"-- definitely worth the read, so you know). But it was such a beautiful day, I found it difficult to focus on anything but the sky. There was a man who walked to the edge of the pavement, and he was looking at the river. He looked at it as if he had never seen it before, as if it had formed just yesterday. Perhaps he noticed me noticing him, perhaps he didn't; either way, he approached me, and introduced himself as Darrel. Darrel looked at the Ohio in that way because he truly was looking at it for the first time-- he is from Alaska. I got to know him a little, but I still couldn't get that image out of my mind... that way his face lit up, as he laid eyes on something entirely unfamiliar.

It's a lonely feeling, being unable to describe an incredible experience. Even lonelier is spending so little time with the people you enjoyed that experience with.

Adjusting back into my routine has been difficult, to say the least.

We arrived in Guatemala City on Saturday around noon; it’s a very small, but pretty airport. While flying in, I got a decent feel for what the city looked like: slums, mostly. I saw that a few houses had collapsed, as if there had recently been a mudslide. Seems like a lot of the homes and buildings are built on really steep hills. All of these buildings are so colorful, though, and each of them is unique in one way or another.

We caught a shuttle to our hotel, and rode for 3-4 hours. The roads weren’t as bad as I expected them to be, but they were nonetheless extremely underdeveloped, and super bumpy. Traffic was absolutely nuts... crazier than New York drivers, but no where near as pissed about it. It truly was strange. I witnessed so many drivers cut off others, but saw no anger anywhere. Guess they’re concerned about other things there.

During the drive through the city, I saw that a lot of advertisements were painted on buildings and homes. Ads for something called “Tigo” were EVERYWHERE. “Aqui estoy contigo!” they all said... I think it’s a cell phone provider. Whatever it is, it’s taking over down there.

There were a lot of political ads, too. … on any medium you can think of. Billboards, buildings, painted on roads, rocks. You name it. Their political parties are identified by colors, which is interesting.

Once out of the city, I noticed how much the terrain varied. Literally, from mile to mile, it looked like I was in a completely different country. Some areas looked rainforest-y, others were barren, some looked irrigated, a lot of farms, a lot of mountains, some almost-desert. It was disorienting, but very beautiful.

We reached Zacapa, and our hotel there was gorgeous. Geckos were everywhere (squee!). There was a pool and a bar (double squee!). It was profoundly different from its surroundings. Bit like an oasis in the desert... it was just so much nicer than everything else in the area.

We got to know a few of the people from other areas. A lot of the students were from Washington State. I think I made quite a few really good friends; many of them were medical students, but there were two journalism students and a handful of speech and hearing majors.

From Sunday through Thursday, we did construction work in a village called Gualan. Because we were in such an underdeveloped area, we had little choice but to do things very simply (which, in this case, makes for much harder work). We needed to dig holes (big holes, mind you)-- we used shovels. We needed to mix cement-- we used shovels. We needed steel to support the columns-- we cut the rebar, tied it, and welded it ourselves. It was a lot of rough work, and we all have blisters and sunburns to prove it... but it was pretty rewarding to see the progress.

During down times and breaks, we were able to play with the kids that lived there. Each of them was so sweet and unique. They would make this “ch, ch” noise, to try and get our attention, as opposed to saying, “Look at me!” or “My turn!”. It was absolutely precious. One little girl, Elvira, particularly grew on me. By the end of the week, she would be reaching for me to pick her up when she saw me.

The food we had each day was so good. There was this green chili sauce sitting out with every meal, and I swear, it was good on anything. And there was so much fruit! Bananas, papayas, mangoes, pineapples, melons, watermelons. It was all so fresh, and soooo good.

And the beer was pretty awesome. Cerveza! Tried quite a few different kinds. Gallo is a popular brand down there. As the week progressed, it seems like we drank more and more each night, haha. The last four nights, I think everyone was rightly out of their minds. Silly times.

Friday morning, we made our way to Antigua. It was a five hour drive, but seven hours for us, because our bus broke down. We managed to make it fun, though. A few of us sang to keep ourselves entertained, and we eventually found ourselves in that old, beautiful city.

That evening, we had a nice dinner and went out exploring. We went to a bar called Frida’s, where I had a Long Island Iced Tea.. things got a little crazy, haha. A few friends challenged three Guatemalans to a game of pool, and they won. We decided that we should go dancing... but each of the nearby clubs had a cover charge. So, instead, we sat down on the sidewalk, one of the Guatemalans pulled out his guitar, and we sang. Anything and everything we could think of and he could play. We got to know these three guys; they were each Mestizo. We hung out at their hostel a bit, sang some more. One of them was really impressed by the fact that I knew all of Stairway to Heaven. Another one of them was a little flirtatious with me, but I truly did enjoy getting to know him. Eventually, we made our way back to the hotel (after much confusion about where in the city we actually were).

Saturday morning, we got up extra early and took a shuttle to Lake Atitlan. Reportedly the most beautiful lake in the world, and I believe it. It’s nestled between three volcanoes, and is so blue, so clean, so, so pretty. We paid a guy to boat us across the lake to a small town called Santiago, which was still very Mayan. We explored the market there, bought coconuts from a guy who could handle a machete like a champ, and haggled a bit. On the way back to the boat, we changed into our swimsuits. We got back in the boat, went out to the middle of the lake, and jumped off. I don’t even have words to describe how incredible this was. The water was freezing, the current was strong, and we all screamed with shock after coming up from the dive. And it was wonderful. I’m not sure that I’ve ever felt so small, or so alive.

That evening, we rode back to Antigua, and had one last hurrah at a nearby hookah bar (which was embarrassingly better than any in Louisville). Got up the next morning, said our good-byes, and we were off.

Russ and I listened to his iPod on the way, and this was actually one of the funnest moments of the trip for me. He has excellent taste in music and isn’t nearly as tone deaf as he thinks he is, haha. I feel like I got to know him a lot better, just in sharing the music.

And now, I’m home... left with these memories that I can already feel slipping away. I hate how fleeting this was. The fact that my life is so utterly mundane doesn’t really help, either. But I feel like I’ve made a lot of good friends during these past few days... I hope these relationships are more real than the trip itself now feels.

I can't even begin to describe how incredible this past week has been. Well, I can... but I don't think any words could sum it all up. I'm desperately afraid I'll forget it all, so I'll get to typing.

Of all of the things you could possibly accuse me of, making you feel "inferior" seems the most illogical. I'm fairly certain that, in reality, things are the other way around. You always make me feel inferior. You interrupt me increasingly more often, as if nothing I say is worth your time. You always make it a point, it seems, to disagree with me. You point out the things that I'm doing, say that they're "not like me." You might as well be calling the ideas stupid. And yet, you still manage to somehow, in your mind, make yourself the victim in every situation? You're like this whining, sniveling infant; I'm not sure who you are anymore. Everything you said today was like a child screaming desperately for attention. Well, you have it; you have had it. You have ALWAYS fucking had it. And just like that screaming, begging child, it's the sort of attention you probably didn't want.

I leave in less than eight hours, and I'm going to try my damnedest to think of you as little as I possibly can. Perhaps you should try to do the same.

It's almost go time. I keep remembering something else I should pack... I'm really bad at packing minimally, haha.

Getting anxious. But so excited. jdofaj;weufjzue!

Every time someone I'm attracted to says my name, it makes me smile. What the hell is the deal with this? Why am I so conceited as to love the sound of my name leaving his mouth? And all this does is make me think of that infamous scene from American Pie. I don't particularly like that movie. ... Does this happen to anyone else?

A-pack-pack-packin'.

"Hey Marcella, was that Shaq in the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead? My friend says it was, but I know it wasn't, and he told me to ask a librarian, and you were the closest person I knew to a librarian." This made me smile.

I hope we can actually hang out sometime. I think you and I are alike in many ways, and we could be great friends. Don't know why we never hung out in high school.

Starting to feel anxious. Trying to pack; never been good at packing. Oh god.

I'm really hoping to get to know you better on this trip.

I've been experiencing vertigo lately...? Just every now and then. But, it's this like... almost gravitational feeling, pulling me to the left of whatever room I'm in. It's impossible to resist. Inner ear problems? I don't have time for this. ._.

Migraine = annihilated. Now my evening can continue. :3

Another collection of unrelated thoughts:

Maybe it's just the exhaustion talking, but I really feel like giving up on that friendship. I'm not sure there's much left anymore. Would say sorry, but that doesn't make anything different. Things change.

I forgot about you. I'd love to get to know you better. You seem like a really nice guy. Honestly surprised that you remembered my name.

Guatemala in a week! I'm excited, nervous, etc. Still doesn't feel like it's actually going to happen.

E-Expo was good. I really like telling people about my experiences as a student.

I'm considering running for a position in ASCE. But might be doing that with EWB, too... can I do both? Or is explosion guaranteed? Only time will tell.

"Roll with the Changes" by REO Speedwagon NEVER ceases to put a smile on my face. Seriously, what an encouraging song. Lol, I'm shameless.

In just less than ten days, I'll be in Guatemala. Difficult to believe that I'm leaving the country. I never thought that the first place I'd go would be central America, but I think this feels right. I'm so excited for new sights, new food, new people. I'm hoping that with a new place, I'll feel different. Awake.

You make very little sense. "Oh hey, I'm going to hate this because everyone likes it right now." Not the first time I've met your kind, but you're particularly outright about it, aren't you?

Indecision, half priced books, fondue, henna, Lord Byron out loud, getting Trina to watch the last twenty minutes of Inception, briefly seeing Alex...

Not a bad day.

I'm going to start writing in a journal. I'll write the dreams I remember, and I'll write about the things I think are beautiful. Little things and big things. People, places, feelings. I think I'll start now.

And just when I think I couldn't feel any more isolated...

Oh yeah, surprise. It's Marcella complaining again. Well, don't read it if you don't like it.

Just woke up from an extremely vivid nightmare. It was my wedding day, but I had never met the groom. The thought of being married, in general, seems nightmarish enough, but this... this was horrifying. All of my family was there, and some friends. People I hadn't seen in years; some people I couldn't even recognize. I tried to keep the mindset, "If this doesn't work out, we can divorce." What? I hadn't even seen the man, nor did I know him. I'm not sure I even knew his name. The even more terrifying part of the dream consisted of me trying to figure out how to call off this wedding that no one seemed to want to end.

... never again, please.

It's a forever-alone kinda Friday.

Watched all seven seasons of the Office in less than a month.

... yeah.

It's been the day from hell, but many a lesson have (has?) been learned.

- Don't go into work when you know you shouldn't. It's such a simple concept and it never feels right to me.

- Don't stay at work most of the day when you're certain that you're getting a bad fever.

- Don't go on a wild goose chase around campus, in the rain, still knowing that you have that fever.

- Despite that chase, I'm glad I went. You were the best part of this horrible day. Hope that isn't too creepy.

Freedom and democracy aren't the same thing.

Stop generalizing.

"people put themselves in situations that they could easily get out of but don't, and when bad things happen to them, it's their own fault."

.... you can say this about GENOCIDE? Are you fucking serious?

I.... I haven't felt this angry in a long, long time.

I'm grateful for my freedom. I'm grateful to be able to post the word "fuck" without fear for my life. I'm grateful for lazy, peaceful Sundays. I'm grateful for my right to protest.

I feel moronic for stating something so obvious, but I hope these protests end soon... I know there will always be something else. Darfur, Rwanda, Egypt, Bahrain. The want for freedom spreads like a disease. Let's just hope for less raping and pillaging. :(

All I have ever tried to do is be honest with you. This is a trait that most of my friends appreciate in me, and I honestly believe that it is one of my strengths as a friend. If you can't accept that, I kind of don't know if we were ever truly friends. I'm sorry if that makes me sound righteous or "superior." You, of all people, should know that neither of those traits describe me.

Once again, you are proving to me how infantile you really are. Please stop trying to make yourself the victim. You aren't. No one is falling for it anymore.

In other news... it's been a fairly good day.

Going to Cave Hill Cemetery with my favorite Trina. ♥

The few friendships that I still have don't feel nearly as fulfilling as they used to. I feel like I'm constantly searching for a replacement that I'll never find...

I hate seeing you in pain. I'm beginning to think that I never actually knew her. This is becoming more and more muddled every minute. I wish you didn't have to hurt like this.

Hearing you on the verge of tears actually made me cry, too. I don't know what to say.

I hate that you're sad... you're one of my best friends, but so is she. I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm in the middle; I love you both. I wish I knew how to make it better for each of you... I really do.

I went running today for the first time in a long time. Well, by running, I mean I ran some, walked some, etc. ... and only for a mile. But it was still nice.

The friend I saw yesterday is pregnant with twins. It's so strange to be getting old enough to see this. I'm extremely excited to meet these boys, though.

Valentine's day, grumble grumble. I hate seeing the complaints almost as much as I hate seeing the happiness, lol.

"The last defender of the sprawl
Said, 'well where do you kids live?'
Well sir, if you only knew
what the answer is worth...
Been searching every corner
of the earth"

'Home' is most certainly not just a place (think Edward Sharpe- "Home is whenever I'm with you"). She felt like home. Today, she would be twenty. We would find some way to celebrate together, although we're apart. I tried to do the same today; an old mutual friend and I went to some places we used to love. An old bridge by Pond Creek... It's dilapidated and only a frame now, without a deck. It could be a beautiful place, though. It looks so much smaller than it used to seem. I guess that's what everything will be like, as I grow older. So surreal, as always.

I miss you, Melanie.

Yuko, Jason and Sage are so sweet. I love my card. ♥

1. I'm glad things didn't work out between us.
2. Why are you such an infant? It's sad that I have to ask this question to three of my favorite people.
3. I'm losing all of my friends by saying things like that. I can feel them slipping.
4. "Blue Valentine" is depressing. I wish I'd seen "Biutiful" instead. Oh well- seeing it later today with two awesome people.
5. Friday came and went once again. The weeks are going by unsettlingly quickly. Want to be happy about that, but really I'm just sad.
6. Arcade Fire, all day, every day. It makes things bearable.
7. Exactly one month until Guatemala. Hopefully expectations won't be greater than reality, but that fateful inequality usually holds true. MUST KEEP HOPES UP.

Read an article about the use music has for us (read here). I think it poses some really solid ideas... ones that I definitely believe. I have awfully blurry memories, but music never ceases to bring back such specific feelings. Kudos to Joe Manning on this one.

I dreamt of Melanie last night, for the first time in months. Although I never saw her face, the dream itself was extremely vivid. I could feel that she was nearby. We went to a lot of the places we used to frequent, but each of them felt almost foreign. We were at the steps of her front porch, at the house she used to live in, down the street... but it was different. Strange sentiments had been written on the steps and they felt significant, but I couldn’t read them. Everything was so alien. The emotions, the texture, the colors, the smells. Even the sky felt somehow unfamiliar.

It was a strange dream, but I miss her dearly. I wish she were here.

"Amelie" is making my day so much better.

I consider myself very lucky to have a friend like you... and I mean that. I hope that you'll stay in my life for a long, long time.

I love my mom.

I thought I was going to spend all of last night home alone, swallowing sadness and Reese's cups. But then, after trying and failing to hang out with at least eight of my friends, two of them finally obliged. I had Vietnamese food, and it was pretty delicious. Saw a shitty movie (the Roommate, lol). Felt like me again.

Also, got my passport in the mail today. Many yays. :3

I want my own Jim. Please?

Note: These two thoughts are related in no way, shape, or form.

"... I ain't ever gonna understand last night." I have so much grey area in my life already; I should stop before I start... but I guess it's too late. No man wants anything to do with me. The select few that do only want me, but not to be with me. Somehow, I still manage to get in these predicaments.

I'm never going to win. I can appreciate the fact that life is challenging; it makes it worth living. But... am I ever going to catch a break? I know that I'm not a (excuse the following excessive cliché) poor, starving, AIDs-infected child lacking access to clean drinking water or even the simplest healthcare. I'm just being whiny, I suppose.

Never in my life have I known a person more self-centered than you. You make everything about you. As human beings, I know that we all like to do that... but you... oh, you're on a different level of shitty. You're a horrible friend. I'm not sure you have ever known how to be a decent one, actually. You use and you use and you use until there's nothing left... and then you expect more. When people do the same to you (however seldom it may occur), you are furious and unreasonable. If anyone dares to point this tendency out, you flip. You close your ears, point your fingers, and you become even more impossible to be around. I had hoped that you would have grown up by now, but you're still acting like a spoiled infant. I thought that time away from you would make things better; I was wrong. I will always be wrong, as long as I believe that you will ever change. I'm done wasting my time caring about you. You are one of the darkest parts of my life right now and because you're so selfish, you refuse to see it.

I wish this were good-bye.

I feel like I'm walking through my life asleep. I still haven't moved on.

You have the most welcoming smile.

“It seems to me that often in life, if you want something badly, you don’t get it by pursuing it directly. If you’re an aspiring musician and you want musical creativity, you don’t get there by just going out and being creative all the time. It’s actually the opposite. You get there by pursuing discipline, hour after hour of practice and one day, the creativity flows. If you want love, you don’t get there by pursuing it directly. There’s a name for people who do that.. stalkers. If you want happiness — if you pursue it directly, you end up an addict, or a hedonist, or a glutton or a dilettante. Don’t do that. Pursue generosity, pursue wisdom, pursue honor, pursue an idea that’s bigger than you. And one day, happiness and/or love, will tap you gently on the shoulder and say, “I’m here.” Those of us in the business of getting people’s attention are in danger of being stalkers, of pursuing attention at any cost by any means, fair or foul. What if instead, we pursued laughter, ingenuity, and beauty, radical openness? If we do, we will be astounded at the amount of attention that will flow our way.”

— Chris Anderson
Curator, TED Conferences


I should definitely try to live by this. I think I try sometimes, but it's certainly nice to be reminded every now and then.

I wish I were better at flirting. That man was so, so attractive.

I've been feeling abnormally down lately, and I think I've finally figured out why. I felt the sun on my face (for the first time in days, mind you) on the bus ride home this afternoon. Usually, I wake up when it's dark, leave the house when it's dark, and head home when it's dark. I've spent every bit of the past three weeks of daylight inside, working. But today, I felt the sun... and I felt new.

Stayed home today. I had hoped to get some things done, despite being sick, but that didn't go too well. And so it goes.

You think that you're better than everyone else, and you think you an exception to rules, morality, common politeness. But you aren't. You make me furious at least once a day anymore; if that's happening, how often do you think you're offending other friends? Random passersby? You really need to try on kindness. It's much, much easier than being a rude bitch all of the time.

I think everyone hates me, and right now, I really don't blame them.

Back to square one.

There's no way I can live with you. No way at all.

Just watched a video of that Girl Talk concert, and now I'm even more certain that I missed out. It looked like the kind of show where one can easily lose oneself. Just dance around hundreds of people you don't know and never will know, and lose all shame. Once, I experienced that... just once. I wish we could have stayed in that moment for a little longer. But I am grateful for it, nonetheless.

I truly hope you are happy.

“You know that things aren’t going well for you when you can’t even tell people the simplest fact about your life, just because they’ll presume you’re asking them to feel sorry for you. I suppose it’s why you feel so far away from everyone, in the end; anything you can think of to tell them just ends up making them feel terrible.”

- A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby

Why am I always looking for some mention of me there? I should really be concerned about this. The idea won't leave my mind.

I wish I were her. Wow.

Going to see Girl Talk tonight. This should be interesting. :3

FINALLY MADE IT THROUGH WEEK ONE. Oh... my god. A well-deserved nap is definitely in my immediate future.

Definitely flirted with the waiter tonight; that was extremely out of character. I think he flirted back?

I had another dream about him. An extremely elaborate plot all led up to him giving me his phone number... written above it was his name: Eye.
...what?

Um, if you really want to do something so simple, just do it. Quit being such a little bitch.

Just got through my first day of work at the new job. I think I'm really going to like it. There are so many nice, interesting people there. I can't wait to get to know each of them, and I can't wait to learn more about this job. I'm excited about the future.

My New Year's day consisted of much kitty cuddles and seeing good friends. A good friend of mine is sitting a one-week-old kitten; such a tiny, fragile boy. It's strange to think that I was ever so young, delicate, and new.